Wednesday, March 23, 2005

5/28/05 9:39 p/m/ eastern

I know exactly what is about to happen
It hasn’t been verified
But most assuredly
The signs point to no

She’ll say;
Blame it on timing finally.
I’m not ready.
It doesn’t fit into my plan.
I can’t stand the pain.
It’s too soon.
Not yet.
I can’t get serious with anyone.

I’m left desolate
With a future
As bright as the inside of a closed coffin
Feeling worthless and unwanted

They’ll say;
Don’t be so hard on yourself Caleb.
Someone will come along.
Your time will come.

Alone I think;
Not this time!
But fighting back is useless
And the truth is
I can’t give you everything you want

But I'll tell you,
I understand.
Huh? No…I’m not mad.
I just want you to be happy.
I really do.
Don’t worry about me.
I’ll probably pull through

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

A Coward Dies a Million Deaths

Hide, run away when it gets hard
Give up! But savor the loss
Agonize coward!
How can you love when you take no chances?
Fold. Wait for a better hand.
Don’t play the cards you’re dealt.
How does it feel?
Read how you felt before.
It’s all there, right in front of you.
The path has been worn.
Don’t get desperate though.
Fall back! Retreat!
Call off the attack.
The wish of my heart is you liking me back.
Alas, we’ll have none of that.
To be so fortunate is something I lack.

A Crooked Babbling Brooke

What, I’m not good enough? Do I give up?
Close the door behind me?
Well, the truth hurts. And what is worse, it is blinding.
Constantly reminding me, finding my weaknesses, hiding.
Bringing me grief, stealing my peace, a thief.
She a beauty, and me, the beast.
These kinds of stories, with no happy ending, they adore me, they form me.
No more pretending, lending me fantasies that can never be, only possibilities.
My heart is adrift on random seas.
Play me a heartbreak anthem please.
I can’t breathe, with tendencies to grieve.
She’s out of my league.
It’s cold. I freeze. Oh reality!
My needs never met, bereft, upset.
Yet, I can’t forget, or let go!
Still, I know this is how it ends again.
Lacking, never packing the total package though.
I’ll be good enough for someone, somewhere, someday, maybe.
I hope…

Sunday, March 20, 2005

A Familiar Feeling

This is a familiar feeling…emptiness.
Unsatisfied, sickly, writhing.
My stomach twists, turns, and ties in knots.
Every glance brings more agony.
Mad at myself that this is happening.
The foreshadowing finally fulfilled.
I kept trying for some reason.
It is not my time or season.
In due time…in due time.

The pain over powers my hunger, and I am starving.
There are so many things I desire.
Love, attention, affection, oh to be whole.
I am only half.
None of these things feeding me.
Never satisfied.

I don’t want to know.
I’d rather go on, so forth and so on.
No one will mistreat me.
Defeat me? An impossibility!
It will not happen.
I will not give in easily.
I am free to be as defiant as I’d like.
You cannot hurt me, bruise me or break me.
You will never make me or take me.
So leave me be.
I cannot be satisfied. I realize.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

A Hermit for the Crab

Up to this point I’ve written a sad story.
No love for life, no guts, no glory.
Been mourning since morning,
Clouds forming, rain pouring.
Paint pictures of life storming.
All around me I’m sounding astoundingly troubled.
But no, I know, not faking it though.
The things I have felt and dealt with are real.
I said it because I meant it.
And I meant what I said
I have pled for years,
Fled from fears,
Shed some tears.
And the time I’ve wasted to the moments I have tasted what it could be like.
If life could be right, like I thought it might be.
It’s likely it won’t be anything like I dreamed.
And sometimes it seems that might not be a bad thing.

Friday, March 18, 2005

A Life Like This

It feels dark and man I’m lonely
Wishing I could find someone that wants to hold me
Holding back my emotion
Trying to be controlling
Is anybody out there to console me?
I see the pages turn
But the story is not unfolding
I’m free but held captive
And no one told me
Life would be like this
I’m in love with a fantasy
With no way of managing
To bring it to reality

Thursday, March 17, 2005

A Simple Conversation

1. So I guess this means you re leaving me.
2. Of course it does. Can you blame me?
1. No, I get it, it all makes sense now.
2. It does? Tell me how.
1. Well what else should I expect?
2. Nothing, that is why this is it.
1. I am a total fool.
2. Stop talking, I’m sick of listening to you.
1. Fine, but know that this happened for a reason.
2. Because in our relationship you committed treason.
1. That’s cold, it was nothing like that.
2. What was it then, a trap?
1. No, it was the easiest way out.
2. You wanted out?
1. What…as if you didn’t know?
2. I had no idea, is this a joke?
1. I hope not. But if it was…
2. Don’t finish that thought because…
1. Because you don’t want to hear the truth.
2. The truth? What has gotten into you?
1. Into me? Maybe you should ask yourself that question.
2. Are you trying to get a confession?
1. No, I know all about you.
2. So what does this say about you?
1. Don’t turn this on me.
2. Oh, so now its all on me?
1. You got that right.
2. This has been a crazy night.
1. Yeah, too bad for you I’m still leaving you.
2. No I was leaving you.
1. Oh yea.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

A Summation of Love

I will sum up my search for love as such
I frantically rush
And end up
Hurt so badly I wish I never had tried to love so much
I play mind games
In a mind frame
That invites pain
I play these games on myself
If wasted feelings were money
I couldn’t measure the wealth
I’d be so rich
All of the women would want me
Funny how that works
Actually it is absurd
It’s the truest stupidest thing I have ever heard
Boy I have a way with words
But this is about my record
It’s checkered
Not like a finish line flag winning
But like a driver that was leading
Crashing, blowing the certain lead, grinning
I constantly try and fail
In spectacular fashion
Smashing my dreams at last again
My passion is overwhelming, overbearing
Attraction brings about distraction
I am affectionate
I touch and feel my way around
The words and sounds of love mean nothing to me
Show me, prove it, love me or lose it
Actions speak louder than words
Words are a shallow grave
That in time, days
Does nothing to preserve, only decay
This is my summation of love
Maybe I’d be so lucky
To have some one trust me
Enough to take me away to a place
For forever and a day
And love me
The way I need to be loved
I’d love you truly
Deeply sweetly

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

A Sweet Dream

Verbalize the thought of my pen
You better start listening in
Simply wishing with in
I could release a gem
And spend my means to an end
Not giving in ‘til I win
Sending sin in a spin
My frustrations begin
Lending my eye to look in
Deep within my soul
My actions taking a toll.
I feel like writing a rhyme
It’s time to go and get mine
It’s like I’m living a lie
Just trying to give you a line
My brain is done fried
And I’m tired of life
Look at my eyes
See the pain that’s inside
I’ve tried and failed
Repeatedly failed
Please show me the door
Kick me out
I’m burnt out
I’ve turned out
Time and again
Short of the goals
That I set
And its cold
Send me away
Far away
So I can play
And stay away
From the people I hate
And make way for new games
And new names
A new pain

A We

How could it be that she
Could possibly captivate me
Me the untouchable fiend
The lively being
I’ve seen the day
The way the means
A wishful dream
An unlikely scene
That she wants me
I look and see, a we
My heart is stone
To outside faces
Abandoned places alone
I find my way home

Monday, March 14, 2005

A Year Late

I could have written this a year ago
I didn’t though.
Sometimes, from somewhere,
You appear to me
Where you come from
Where you go
I do not know
It makes me think now
What if we had stuff to talk about?
If maybe somehow you would open up to me
A whole new world to see
How would that be?
I must say that I don’t mind
Looking at you is easy on the eyes
Your eyes your cheeks
Your mouth your teeth
You work you read
You dance you ski
You don’t know it, but you are perfect for me
You are just what I need
Too bad I am not your type
Ah yes Caleb, welcome back to real life

Sunday, March 13, 2005

All in the Same Night

How I miss you
I barely know you
It feels right
I thought I saw it in your eyes
Was it only me that imagined we could be?
I don’t even know you
I can’t get you out of my head
I don’t want to
I remember your smile
Like I have known it all my life
I love how your eyes squint when you smile
I look into your eyes
And I wish it could be just you and me
I really like you and I can’t stop now

You made me feel more emotion in one night then the rest of my life combined
When we stared into each other’s eyes,
A comfortable silence
No words need be spoken
A look is all it takes
You have no idea what my mind is like since that first night
I want to cry
So simple our words
How deep our gaze
I could write a thousand pages but my words aren’t enough
I wish I could express my feelings better
But I lack

It was too easy
It is too good to be true
After all, that first night was the only time I’ve talked to you
Now my head spins, my soul aches, my heartbreaks
And all I want to know is if you feel the same way
How did I let this happen?
And now, only heaven knows how this will turn out

Saturday, March 12, 2005


Of course.
I’m such a fool to think
Anything that good, could happen to me
I’m never that lucky
My fortune is never
Don’t expect it to ever be
No. no, never me.
Hope dashed to pieces again
I don’t want to start over
No strength to begin
It hurts too much to love
Especially when it is known
I will always be alone
Of course.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Be a Man

I thought I could do it, but I can’t
I’m not a strong enough man
I have to do something
Both of my options make me lose
One way or the other
I can’t do nothing for sure
My mind needs to cool off
I am a retard.

Bear You Up

I can’t imagine what you feel. All of your fears surround you.
As the world comes crashing down, all around you.
If I could take away the pain, heap it on my shoulders,
If I could switch around the pieces so it changed the picture,
I would bear those burdens for you.
I would take it all.
I would try to fix it and leave you quietly in peace.
You would never have to hurt this way.
You would never have to feel the pain.

But this is out of my hands Love.
Still, I will do anything in my power to heal,
Anything to save, anything to help, I pray
Someone as brave as you, as strong, as good, and true
Your tears do not fall unnoticed.
Your prayers are heard and noted.
You are loved, my Love.
You are surrounded and angels will bear you up.
I am here, your friend through it all.
I will be here, near if you need me.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Be Still!

I can’t say anything because I might loose everything.
I have to do something, one thing.

I can’t believe this!
Something worth waiting for! Living for!
Something to change me, from man to baby.
Get with the program and love this lady.

How can she not see that we could be
The most perfect match. Attached at the hips.
I wish.
Maybe one day, someday, we could be together.
She’s still dealing with heartbreak, pain, and closure.
Keep my composure.
Slow down! Be still! Have patience, complacent.
I can see so clearly like its right in front of me.
But hold on, wait, this is a test.
Be my best.
I can’t rest!
She is on my mind constantly.
She haunts me. Be still!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Brooke 7/23/2003

I don’t know how to handle what I am going through
It is new to me
So confusing
I’m confusing you, I can tell
You’re going through something
I should be there to show you I care
But I’m not there
My situation won’t allow it
My awkwardness is killing this
And I am letting it.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Can You Feel My Pain?

Can you feel my pain?
The heartache, the heartbreak…
Inside my mind
The restless evenings
Incarcerated feelings, the wanting, the pleading…
Inside my mind
Beyond reasonable doubting
In silence shouting,
“Can you feel my pain?”
Sense it, engulfing me
Surrounding, drowning me…
Inside my mind
Never certain, I’m sure of it.
Blind is love
And so hard to find
At least for now…

Monday, March 07, 2005

Closer than I Am

I want to be so badly where you are
But you are too far from me now
I want to somehow
Stand where you stand
My hand in your hand
Your breath on my neck
Your arms around me
Your gaze upon me
But I am here longing
I am here waiting for you tonight
And I will wait forever if I have to
Just so I can have you
All to myself

I want to be so badly where you are
But you are too far from me now
I want to somehow
My heart in your grip
Embracing with locked lips
Your tears on my cheek
So close we can't speak
Only whispers
and you can feel the words
Slip right off my tongue
But I am here longing
I am here waiting for you tonight
And I will wait forever if I have to
Just so I can have you
All to myself


Stuck inside
Is there any way out?
I can’t let this slide
I stop to wonder why
I am out of place
Weathered by time and sick of it
Something has got to change
I can’t explain

In here
There is nothing I want
Got to get out
Got to get this to stop
In here
Is there no escape?
Caught in red tape
I’m stuck in the wake of monotony

Try to get out
I’ve done that before
But every handle I find is missing a door
Caged up and held down
Oppressed by my living
People offer me rides
But they won’t come get me

I’m just taking up space
Just wasting my time and money
I laugh cause to me this is funny
How can it come down to this?
No more excuses
I don’t want explosions but there are too many lit fuses

Too much pain;
Too many bumps and bruises
I can’t forget.
I only regret
I don’t want a part of what this is the start of

Bound by contract
The deed to my soul
A sinner at heart
A puppet is my role

Time is a heavy weight
It holds me down
Keeps me low

Counting down
the clock is still ticking

The funeral drum is not yet ringing

Sunday, March 06, 2005


Having a crush.
Being crushed.
You get one.
Then you get it.
I can’t pursue something that inevitably won’t work.
I can’t get deeper in it.
I can’t deal with the hurt.
I’m not afraid of commitment.
I’m afraid of the separation.
It’s the break up I can’t handle.
If I commit, I stay that way.
I hold on too tightly.
So I can’t be involved.
I get involved though.
I feel too much.
I fear too much.
I think about it.
I write about it.
I don’t talk about it really.
I wouldn’t know what to say.
I’m scared and I hate it.
I know it won’t work.
I can’t let go.
Even though I should.
I don’t want to.
I want it to work.
Relationships aren’t found.
They are made.
I don’t know that recipe.
I have to go.
My laundry is done.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Desert Lands

This truely is a desert.
Abandoned. Deserted. Desolate. Barren.
Its not easy to live, to exist.
Yet despite knowing this,
I journey in. I do not resist.
With cantene depleating
And no thoughts of retreating,
only humbling feelings.
I'm not the explorer I dreamed I'd be.
A fleeting dream of succeeding immediately.
Its hard. Its hard to Be.
The oasis I need is avoiding me.
In some time I'll find one.
Until then I will ration my supplies
and try to last through the desert skies.
The seemingly endless sand.
Cold bitter nights.
Scorching sun and relentless heat.
Though I'm facing defeat,
I cannot retreat,
choosing instead to rise to my feet.
That one day release from this tedious feat
will be my prize.


I’m going to get hurt
I know it is true
I can feel it
I’m in too deep
I care too much
I can see it
From the beginning
The moment I saw you
I was hopeless.
It was over
Going against everything
I’d change anything
Give up everything for you
I don’t know why
But I would
I wouldn’t think twice
It’s done
I’m hopeless around you
Totally vulnerable
It hurts to care so much so soon.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Down By the Shore

We made our way in the darkness,
Down the path and steps
Towards a sandy beach below that awaited us, we crept
The fire burning in our hearts was enough to keep us warm
Yet we were met, a fire left burning, flickering on the shore
As strong waves crashed and stars filled the sky
We stood on the sand in the moonless night
We walked towards the sound of breaking swells
Breathing in the ocean's air, love had cast its spell
Hand in hand; then eye-to-eye
Then lip to lip and finally a kiss
Cherishing the moments, I held you by the fire's side
Holding to each other closely, shooting stars sparked the sky
Clinging to the seconds, pleading as they passed
To slow them down forever, so this night might last

Down By The Shore...Again

I went back
Down by the shore
This time alone
And it was different than before
The stars still bright
Another fire on a different night
Waves still crashed
So much the same
Yet the circumstances had completely changed
I cannot say
If it is better this way
Where there was hope
Now filled with pain
My soul yearns for love
To go back to that place
With a full heart and memories to make

Do You Dare To?

Do you dare to? 
Could you bear to? 
When do I get my revenge? 
I can hear you whispering 
You are not a mystery 
Now it’s my turn to offend 
When I hear you care for me 
I go run and hide away 
Right away I
 cannot stay 
I shouldn’t even say 
What I’m about to say 
You brought me to my knees 
And made me beg 
Toyed with my head 
When you said you loved me 
Lies, deceit, you cheated me 
Out of time 
You wasted mine 
Spending it on you 
I can never have it back 
Why did you do that? 
I don’t want to see you 
Looking at you makes my stomach weak 
I shouldn’t speak 
But it’s a little late for that 
I don’t ever want you back

Thursday, March 03, 2005


As far as dreams go, mine are impossible.
Reach for the sky, another obstacle.
Hands held high, hope is there beside.
But my minds eye sees so much lost time.

I dream for things.
Dreams I could only dream about happening.
Reveling in sleep.
This is my time, my thirsty drink.

I have dreams, but only on good days.
Good times, reflecting in pools of rhymes.
Heart beats, a rapid pace.
A familiar face, a distant place.

Dreaming. I see you.
No dream could be you.
Dreaming to see you.
I’m awake...I must wait to see you.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005


You think I slept last night? I was too busy fighting tears back Racking my brain, what moves to make? How do I deal with this? Chaos. I’m sorry this isn’t fair But I don’t think you know I don’t think you care If you knew what I was thinking If you could read my mind You’d think I was crazy But you don’t have the time So instead I lie awake and contemplate Debate and state out loud the decisions that I make No one around to hear my hearts complaint This is probably not a big deal for you It has tossed me to and fro If I could just let it go I could be free That is what I want to be My mind is a jail I have no key Someone didn’t give it back to me Escape is my hope Presently I am in prison No parole. Without a sentence Time does not bring comfort It allows poisoned thoughts This has all been self-inflicted It is with you that I’m infected This is killing me

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Each New Day

Sometimes I find time winds so slow
Day after day I take blow after blow
And I know as I go down this long road
I may one day comprehend the end though
That gives hope and heart to start each new day
And live to give sight and sleep each night away
Knowing the sun will rise and bring glory in its ray
You can say each day my life will change in a new way

Monday, February 28, 2005

Empty Shells

She holds me in check
What will I get?
No ideas of what to expect
Except those eyes, and that smile
That tears down my defenses
She doesn’t even know
How my insides curl
I’m tied in knots
I try to play it cool
Make her laugh
Give her subtle clues
So she laughs and I love hearing it
Clues, I give them
I’m so smitten
Trying to see inside
What is she really like?
So many sides
Does she have one for me?
I might like what I see
So, nervously, I proceed with caution
Most often though,
I’m lost in waves of emotion
Blinding exhaustion
Clouding my view
Treading this awesome ocean for you

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Fear and Trembling

I’m never scared to fly
But I am nervous today
I never had something to lose
I still don’t
But I wish I did
And that is enough to make me
Desire safety

I feel like what a 50 car pile up looks like
But just on the inside
Only, no one slows down to check me out or clean me up
Maybe it will take care of itself, they say
No not today. I apologize
This one may have broke the bank
I’m tapped out
No hope and lonely again
My only friend is sick of me
I really am.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Filthiness Surrounding Me

Filthiness surrounding me
Let me be free of these chains
Outlasting my peers
Fears haunting me
I’m unsteady and wavering
Standing still
Facing backwards
Show me hold me
Love me baby
Where, if ever, will I find you?
When will it happen?
I have seen it happen
So I know I can
But will it for me?

Friday, February 25, 2005

Forever Away

What’s weird is
I could feel forever away, right beside you.
Lay next to you, and be more lonely than ever.
How is that possible?
And sometimes,
I don’t know why, but
I continue to try, to please or tease.
Your touch brings chills.
Voice, thrills
Laughter, on the edge of disaster
I can’t break through
Or tell you
I can’t convince you or trick you
Into me
Out of these, only moments
Of sweet, fading memories
A different me
Approaching it differently
Another time for another rhyme
Another mood, another dude…
That’s how the cookie crumbles
Can’t get the ball to fumble
Caring, careful, I’m kidding
Bidding, biding my time
In a timely fashion
Trying to manage this traffic
Without crashing
An unneeded distraction
But I can’t escape the attraction
Separate ways, distant paths
And for days I’ll miss you
Knowing you won’t give a second thought – and
Maybe all together forgot-en
So would I rather be beside you or miles away
Either way, it feels the same to me.

Thursday, February 24, 2005


This could be
The end of me
I can see
That maybe
I hate me.
I’m asking a free-be
Please free me
Life owes me
Who knows me?
Just show me
The way.
I can’t play
These games.
It’s insane
Only pain.
No fame
No fortune
My portion
Is meager.
I’m eager
I’d leave her
I need her.
Wake up!
Who am I?
I can’t lie
I’m loosing
But cruising
My bruising
Not healing
I’m feeling
Nobody home
Around me
This impulse
I’m counting
The days
Nothing satisfies
Nothing subsides
Nothing. No one.
These suffering eyes
I cry
Peace hides
My pride
Is proven
You left me in ruins.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


But patiently waiting
My time of probation
It hastening on
And all along
I thought it was me who was wrong
I should have kept my mouth shut
And shut up
When I knew I went too far
The best sayings go unsaid
The best writings never get read
The choicest thoughts are unthinkable
Imagine me being free
To say the things I’ve got to say
Without hesitation
Without reservation
Just because I think this way
Why do I have to hold my tongue?
To keep me from being put away
The hill is too steep
I can’t climb it
It’s time that has slipped from my hands

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


Tell us how you do it.
I’ll get down to it.
Screw it.
I never learned it, I knew it.
Innate. It is just inside me.
Confiding, residing, riding this crazy train,
How can I explain something I don’t understand?
I command respect, and I expect a check.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Good day

I’ve dreamed many dreams
And seen many things
And been so many places
And seen so many faces
And stared in people’s eyes
And seen nothing inside, and sighed
Just wondered why

I’ve said a lot of things
Things I didn’t mean
Hurt a lot of feelings
And gave no words of healing
Many times I’ve written rhymes
Bout breaking hearts, her breaking mine
Wishing I was someone else
Or wouldn’t feel the way I felt, and yelled
But somehow dealt

There were times I ran away
From people, feelings, but should have stayed
That’s really all I have to say.
Good day.

Sunday, February 20, 2005


A gunslinger but so gun shy
I don’t know why
I cannot define
Or delineate the lines
And for a reason, this season
Has lasted a very long time

Walking the tight rope
Hold ‘til I choke
A puff of smoke
An incendiary hope
Smelling the ashes, a wave silently crashes
Attracting a very strong tide

Her Wall

She builds her wall
She hides inside
Her only way of staying safe
Her place of refuge when confused
A solitary place
She cares but in her mind
She simply can’t afford to
She keeps her feelings out
When it gets too rough
When commitment is too much
She has the wall to fall behind
That seems to be enough

Help her!
She needs some one to trust.
Love her!
She needs to be loved.
Show her it is safe.
She doesn’t need the wall
Let her know ,
She has your ears.
Let her heal,
She has your arms.
Let her hide,
She has your eyes.
Let her go,
She has your heart.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Hold Me

I need to be held close by someone I care for
And I need to know that I am cared for
I just need to feel what that is like
I’ve been missing that my whole life
I’ve wanted so bad to love someone
Somebody that loved me back
I’ve waited so long
The feelings are so strong
But something has been wrong
And I have never been held
The way that I need to be
Somebody love me
I’m tired of waiting
I have so much love to give
And no one will hold me.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Humbly I Lie in Wait

I live a life of torture and pain.
I can’t explain the reasons I need to pray.
Please forgive me, ease my sentencing.
My penance is renting my soul.
My joy will never be full.
I don’t follow the truth I know.
I drop the beliefs I need to hold.
No self-pity.
These silly games I play.
The dreams I have laid away, fade.
Nobody knows the prices I’ve paid.
I stayed.
I gave.
I crave.
Promise me you’ll love me forever.
Don’t leave me alone.
I want to be together.
A tear in my eye, I cry.
I’m wondering why.
Swelling inside, like waves of the sea, emotion.
An angry and tired ocean of worthless devotion.
He that owns me owes me nothing.
I am the one that owes something.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Hymns of Mine

The night is o’er the light bursts forth The glorious light of God Father and Son appeared to man Let’s spread the word abroad The scriptures brought and wisdom taught So let us not forsake The covenant is newly shown So glory we might take Prophets called from God above Authority is ours This Christ’s same Church as organized With priesthoods’ Godly powers The truth restored and prophesies Are finally now fulfilled Since ancient truths are brought to pass The way to God revealed #2 An angel fallen from the throne of grace To lead the souls of men astray A plan for children of our Father Send a Savior, Christ our Brother Matchless love and doubts for tears Matchless power for chains and fears When trials shall cross your way Roads of indecision paved Your Lord and Brother, Savior, Friend Shall mark the path until the end Yes the plan of God is great “help me to understand thy will. Before it grows too late.”

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I am Alone

Who is there for me when I need?
Where are the friends who said,
They would always be there for me
That they would never leave
I look for a shoulder
A roof, a shelter
Protection from the sweltering heat
In this frenzy
I cannot tell who is being friendly
Are these guys for real?
Or are they just pretending?

I was there for you
Every time,
I dropped everything
Every penny and dime
Now I need someone
But no one is around me
Where are the people I thought I was close to?
This is confounding
I’m drowning
Pain surrounds me
I am alone
I stand all on my own

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I Can't Deal With That

I’m not enough
I don’t add up
I am impossibility
I will never do for you
That is how you make me feel
I can’t deal with that
It hurts too much
I need to get out of here
You cause me too much pain
Too much heartache
The internal struggle
Mental trauma
Personal drama
I can’t deal with it
I love you!
But I wish I didn’t know you
Not being good enough
Is worse than being alone
I’d rather be alone
Than to have known that
I can’t deal with that

Monday, February 14, 2005

I Had To Go

If I knew I couldn’t stay
If I had to leave today
What would I want to say?
Would I lie?
And tell you I’m fine.
Would I cry and apologize?
When I realized:
I couldn’t tell you how I really feel inside
Could I kneel at your feet or stand at your side?
And feel everything is fine
Would I want to run?
And want to start a new life?
Would I feel remorse?
Knowing I could have done more
Would I want to stay?
Just to see your face
To be in your company
Would I long for how it used to be?
Or would I be satisfied with how things seem?
Would I wish it were all a dream?
So I could wake up and not remember a thing
How would I feel if I had to go?
If you knew I couldn’t stay
And I had to leave today
Would you try to make me stay?
Or just turn and walk away
Would you try to lie to my face?
And then vanish without a trace
Would you tell me you loved me?
And say you don’t care that I’m ugly
That you truly adore me
You could wake up to my face every morning
Really, what would be your story?
Would you want to stay?
Even if things really weren’t that great
Would you want to come along?
You felt that you belonged
Would you leave your life behind?
Start a new one with mine
Would you wish for the past back again?
So we would never have to be friends
Would you feel it was worth it?
Or that you didn’t deserve it
How would you feel if I had to go?

Sunday, February 13, 2005

I Hate Being Alone

It is sad and I am mad
I have nothing to do
You know that this is true

So down so lonely
No one to hold me
This is how it has been unfolding

No one to call me Just to say hi
I scroll through my numbers a few times each night
But it is no wonder I feel like this life isn’t right

I must have made a wrong turn
But I don’t know where so I can’t go back there
To fix the mistake I make or made

Now I am stuck. Abandoned
I’m the only one home
And it’s driving me crazy. I hate being alone

Saturday, February 12, 2005

I Just Want to Hold You

I just want to hold you
I want you to want to be held
I want you to want me
And not be able to sleep
Cause you’re constantly thinking of me
How you want to be with me
Wishing you were near me
Constantly suffering
Longing for me
Feel how I feel
Know what I go through
That is what I think of you
Sleepless longing, constantly suffering
Not knowing if I am enough for you
Insecurities plague me
Hold me help me
Touch me tell me
You care.


I can't help it right now.
I want to call.
I want to write.
I want contact of any kind.
But I know I can't and I shouldn't.
So I don't.

And still in secrecy,
I hope you'll write.
I hope you'll call.
Or make contact of any kind.
But I know you won't.
Though I wish you would.

I know it is wrong.
I am not trying to hold on.
But my grip was tight.
The rope was cut.
I fell hard.
I try to fight the pain.

It's not your fault.
It was me all along.
I pressed for results.
I was the one,
I brought this on.
I should have been stronger.

I feel responsible for everything.
I made it harder instead.
I complicated things.
I was so hopeful, so eager.
I was anxious, far too anxious.
Too much, too fast for you.

I could have been better.
But I made you push away.
That it was better it end.
Then work it through.
I didn't want to go.
But willingly, anything for you.

Reminders of you.
Everywhere I turn.
Everywhere I look.
I hide you from me.
Because it hurts to see,
My faded hope and dream.

I saw you online,
I became scared and nervous.
My face went numb.
I was sad again.
I struggled mightily.
I held it in.

But tonight I'll cry again,
As I beg God to bless you.
To watch over and protect you,
Fill you with joy.
Ease your burdens.
And that success will find you.

No spell was needed.
No potion or trick.
No smoke or mirrors.
Never a hint of deception used.
You are magic.
It's why I fell in love with you.

Friday, February 11, 2005

I Never Stood A Chance

More than ever, you are never there for me
I want to be the one you need
That would be a dream to me
I will never do
When I was here
You made it clear
I never stood a chance
Doomed from the beginning
It’s tearing me apart inside
And why did I not run and hide?
I knew I was doomed
I never stood a chance

I am on the road again
Will this never end?
I can’t stand the pain
It’s tearing me in pieces
On the road again

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Insufficient Funds

No one wants to realize
They aren't good enough in another’s eyes.
This is revealed to me consistently.
That is why I stay alone,
Humbled to the bone.
I simply was not good enough, despite my efforts.
I can't be more than I am.
I can't be something I am not.
But why is it never good enough to be me?
With no more potential it seems.
Than to be a guy that is funny and fun.
I have insufficient funds.
I’ll try to rationalize, I’m sure of it.
Or hear someone say it’s worth it
To suffer and feel those things.
But that is a fallacy. It is wrong
There has never been a time when it was worth it.
It is better to love and lose,
Those are lines for fools.
There is no hate if there is no love.
No pain when you don’t care.
No failure without an attempt.
I wouldn’t have had to feel...
And the lows are more real
They are stronger and stay longer
And time, the only remedy
Is the slowest solution quite possibly

I Only

I only write when I’m bored
I’m only bored when I’m down
I’m only down when I’m lonely
I’m only lonely when I’m alone
I’m only alone when I’m home
I’m only home when I’m tired
I’m only tired when I play
I only play when there’s time
There’s only time when I slack
I slack when I want
I want when I need
I only need when I think
I only think when I write

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

If You Knew

She’s so cute
Hair in her eyes
And it makes me smile
This girl is so down
Eyes sparkle in the light
It feels good inside
She’s not mine
But I want her so bad
Possibilities make me wild

Oh babe, if you only knew
What I go through
Then we would have been together
Long ago

It’s in your smile
Yes, it’s all it takes
And it makes me complete
It’s you the one I see
Liberating my heart
I don’t know where to start
It’s what you are
That keeps me hanging on
That is why I love you

Oh babe, if you only knew
What I go through
Then we would have been together
Long ago

I see your face
And my soul yearns
Girl, I get dizzy
And my head turns
I get lost and I cry
Cause you are the only one
That I really want
What can I do?
How can I make it?
With or with out you

Friday, February 04, 2005

It Isn't the Same

I'm failing my goal of letting you go I cannot control this pain that I know I want this to end, it all depends If I can play my role Do I abandon this send this friendship amiss? Or should I stay and stick with it? Caught in a trap, I can’t turn back All I know is I’m making a mess No girls look cute. I only think of you I don’t know what to do. I feel like a fool I’ve fallen for you. I’m filled with fear What exactly may I ask is going on here? No one has a smile like you I try to compare. I don’t know why I care This isn’t fair. I wonder where do I go from here?

Thursday, February 03, 2005

It Is You Again

It’s hard to ignore feelings.
I care for you.
So I try to hide them away.
Hiding brings pain.
No one can see but me.
A lonely beast of humility you’ve rendered me
Hold me please so reverently
Maybe it’s not meant to be
It’s meant to be hard on me
You don’t know the half of it
I hear you.
See you.
Read your words.
The thought of you.
Dreams of you.
I sound absurd but it’s true
All of that sickens me
I want them so badly
I expect too much too quickly

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Lessons Learned

I shouldn’t have started
Or entertained the very thought
We gather here to honor
The dearly departed
My own funeral
I’m setting up shop
Ready the pallbearers
I’m killing myself
At least, I’m letting me die
It’s moving traffic
Simply step to the side
That ending though
Too quick and far too easy
Yes, deliberate
Shameless and shamed fully
Now that it has begun
I anticipate the end to come
Hopeless helplessness
Repetition, the key to learning
This lesson learned
But often repeating
I know this feeling
Too many times over
Hardly a doer
But mostly a knower
Here I am
Where are you?

Tuesday, February 01, 2005


I'm nervous. Undecided in fact.
That makes this harder to do.
Which path do I take?
I have choices to make.
I don't want to make them though.
Uncertainty freezes me in my place.
If I make a move, I could win big or lose.
If I choose, it may be great.
It may be the worst decision ever made.
Weighing this on the scales.
So far my fears prevail.
If I go for it, at least I can move on;
No matter the verdict.
Can I take the heartache?
Can I deal with the pain again?
Do I really want to know the answer?
I don't know.
So for now I wait, afraid.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Miss Mason

If you were on the phone
I’d say I’ve been acting dumb
Wanting to be with you
But never being with you
I want to kiss you
I’ve cried because I’ve missed you
Now I think I have lost you
And it’s causing me to pause and see
What you really meant to me
I looked at you and Brooke it’s true
Every time you spoke to me
I wanted to be
The guy that you’d decide
To stand by through hard times
I wanted to be there for you
If you had a bad day at school
I wanted you to call me from the ticket booth
And tell me how your day has been
I wanted to be there
When things were good
And if things went bad
Or if you got mad
I wanted to be there
To make you laugh
So hard you’d cry
And you’d forget why
You were mad in the first place
This is why I’ve been acting strange
This is why I feel insane
And why I say the things I say
I’m secretly, madly in love with you
And you don’t know
And I can’t tell you
I’m scared that you’ll hate me
Not want to see me
Or come near me
So I go on hurting inside
But outside I’m fine

Sunday, January 30, 2005

My Hope

All I need is her.
She is my only hope.
Find me.
rescue me, please.
Save me, take me, make me whole.
This life alone is all I know.
And I can't do it much longer
I have been stronger but my courage fades
my pride is gone and my heart no longer stone
She is the marrow for my hollow bones
I wallow aimless.
I have no home with out her.
She is my only hope.

My Time is Up

My friends, my boys, in love and loving it.
Maybe I’ll know what it’s like one day.
I can only hope and pray
That may be the case
If I am lucky, I won’t go alone.
Through the world on my own
An island, no emotion.
Broken so slowly by only one thing:
Time. Mine is up. I am due.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

My Old Flame

The fire inside me burns brightly
It might be likely
That she doesn’t like me
Despite me
To spite me
It’s frightening
Liking someone like this
As much as I do
It’s spreading
It’s viral
A downward spiral
I’m not ready
But I’m letting it go
There’s no spark
Pitch black
It’s dark
To travel no more
Put it in park
I can’t go further
And I’m sure
Not certain
The curtain
Is being pulled
The show is over
Go home
There’s nothing to see here
It’s clear
My fear inside
Rises like the tide
Cheer fades like the wind
The doldrums
A fractured fulcrum
Wasting away
The race is over
I can’t control her
I never told her
Quite how I feel
It was real
But it is over
I lost another chance
To finally be happy
And full of love
I need to feel you
Is there no one?
A solo homerun
Run home alone
Get me away
From everyone
Must get used to the pain
Someone explain the game
Do I always lose?
Is the only rule
Make sure I hurt and bruise?
But don’t break
Take me away from this place
I can’t take it
To see us like this
One last kiss
Well too bad
You left me alone

Friday, January 28, 2005


I look at this girl
She’s got self-esteem
She knows she is worth something
That means a lot to me
Because a girl like that is hard to find
Less issues fewer tissues
Fewer games for my mind
Look at her man!
She holds her head up high
Plus she’s blonde and she’s beautiful
I’m wishing she was mine

Thursday, January 27, 2005

No Escape

I can’t escape these feelings
No one can hear my pleading
No more motivation is in me
It’s gone because no one needs me
Now I am in this cycle
I’m just too prideful
That’s the reason I’m spiteful
I’m a delightful eyeful
Not persuadable, unavailable, and unreliable

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

No Shelter Here

There’s never shelter
Never a shoulder
I wanted to hold her
Have her love me
She's lonely
It must be me
No. It’s me
It has got to be
Nothing. I am nothing

Angry at myself
Alone, still.
My mind is a jail cell
What can I say to her?
She secretly rules me
I’m frozen
Brain running wild
An overload of “don’t knows” and “what if’s”
And “why do I’s?” and “how come’s?”
Only I can save me

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Not All Dreams Can Be

It was the eleventh day of the first month
I saw my dreams slip away
Time had turned its lonely hand
Pointing back my way
I cried that night as I stepped outside
And heard the door close behind
And all I wanted was to see
A sparkle in her eye.

Not all dreams can be
But had this one come true
My tears that fell that lonesome night
Would have been stayed
And I would still be with you

Her heart is with another man
And I cannot compete with him
Right now there’s nowhere I can turn
She’ll never know, she’ll never feel
What my heart feels when it burns
There was so much, but not enough
Now my chest is hollow.
My heart is weak.
And tears keep falling.
I have no peace.

Not all dreams can be
But had this one come true
My beating heart instead of me
Would have been felt by you

I want to scream
For tension wretches at me now
Exposed myself to elements
They have brought me down
If you only knew my heart
If you knew how you make me act
If I could have done things differently
Would we now be apart?
I stepped away and lost it all
Because that is what you were
I won’t, I can’t, forget this night
This night I built the wall

Monday, January 24, 2005

Not Forgotten

You are anything but forgotten
I think of you often
More than you think I do
Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to
I miss you
But I wish that I didn’t
It sounds bad, but it isn’t
All I do is sit and mope around
Wishing you were here
Or that I was there
I sit and stare
Alone I think
Blink blink blink. This stinks
I think I missed my chance
I should have asked you to dance
I didn’t know what I was missing
Please know, I know
I feel so low
No one to talk to, no one that cares
I’m alone on my own
I’d rather be anywhere but here
I miss my friend
I lost him to a girl
I understand
But now I am lost in this world
No directions
Nowhere else to go
And so, even though I would like to be with you
I guess for now I’ll roam

Sunday, January 23, 2005

One of These Days

One of these days, one of these rays of sun will hit me
Instead of someone else
I have been sitting on the shelf
Waiting for my turn
I yearn
My concerns plague me
Look at what I have made me
Sent myself to Hades
Infect myself with rabies
Driving myself crazy.

Only You

You are the only one for me
The only one I see
And it was meant to be
I didn’t want to leave
I didn’t want to die inside
But I did and I don’t know why
I don’t know how
But when I walked out
I left my heart behind
I left my soul for you
I only took the pain of leaving you again
It is all I have now
It is all I have left of you
It’s only memories and pain
The loss is all I feel
The only thing that is real
You are the only one
The only one my eyes can see
The only one my lungs can breathe
The only one my heart can love
The only one my soul can feel
It is only you

Pieces of Me

I’ve been robbed of memories
They’ve stolen my thoughts
My earliest ones lost
My biography of love
I wrote it. It’s gone
They stole it!
No way to retrieve these pieces of me
They’ve gone from me
Left me alone, again.
No key to my past
No journal kept
How many pieces?
Who are these people?
With no regard taking me away with them
How could you? Why would you do that to me?
I need them back
I am incomplete
Without the pieces of me

Past Presently

So many memories come rushing back to me
As the past is presently before me to see
Unfolding its delicacies intrinsically
Remembering and now
Visiting myself a few years back
It is clear I am stuck in the same old tracks
Had anything changed?
Well, I am older now…
I have learned a little bit
But mostly I am sick of it
Tired of how my life has progressed
I haven’t taken forward steps
Depressed and upset things haven’t changed

Visiting places I used to go
Just to get low
And know I don’t go anymore
And memories stored
That I have locked away
Haunt me in dreams
It seems they just stay
And it brings me down
But man, why am I sad?
People would kill to live the life I have
But I am not satisfied
I’ve cried myself to sleep

I confess that I am a mess and the stress is killing me
Wondering and praying that I may break free
My somber poetry flows slowly at times
And I only write this cause nothing else feels right
So I’ll go on alone
Working out this probation
Wishing life was more kind and my time wasn’t wasted


I can't write you a poem
Words are not sufficient
So take my life
It will be my poem to you
A living work dedicated for you
My life, my actions, my love
I will give them all to you
It would all be for you

It is more deeply felt inside me
It is no longer a stranger in hiding
It is constant and abiding
It is welcome and residing

I needed a reason to save my soul
I was drifting aimlessly, living
There was no point or meaning
You have changed everything
I am ready for you now
My reason to improve

Repetitious Ways

I have run out of things to say
I am tired of my repetitious ways
Without repeating words and depleting verbs
There is nothing new you haven’t heard

I have felt this all before
There is nothing more
But my pen is eager for ink to be spilled
Until the page is filled

Cupping the water in pooling hands
Reflections, reflecting my foolish plans
Bearing the load no schoolboy can
An echoing past through canyon lands


I can’t sleep
I can’t get comfortable
I can’t even speak
I can’t believe my eyes
Awestruck, frozen, un-fearless
And intimidated needless to say
I have so much to say
And no way to make words
Courage, in a time like this
Would be a guilty pleasure

More wasted feelings
It’s likely my eyes
Will never have that pleasure again
Sometimes a memory isn’t enough
I crave for more
I long for something to remind me
Did I really just see her?
You are more than beautiful
As you fade away
Isn’t there another way?


Unprepared, she doesn’t know what she fears
I know she is scared, so she will steer clear
But the fear won’t let her get close to me
This is not how it is supposed to be
She won’t budge; she’s firmly placid
The fear holds her steadily vapid

I’m scared too…
Just for different reasons than you.

Seeing or Being Me

The hardest part about being me
Is standing here able to see
Exactly what I want
But I just can’t reach.
It isn’t something I can work for and get
It is something I can’t forget
Staring me down almost mocking me
Dead in my tracks stopping me
Thinking things, puddles of thought
No easel but paint on my smock
No picture to speak of, no art
A clear pallet, I shall finally depart
Wearily be smart
And separate, disconnect
Until I can make a new start

Self Fulfilling Prophecy

Watching you go
Knowing what I know
Feeling these feelings
Seeing what I’ve seen
This is just me
It would usually be much worse
The hurt that is...
But I’ve been numbed
By previous lofty dreams
Steering far clear of me
I have seen this future
And what’s to come
I have seen the future
And I don’t like a single one

And now as I drive myself to madness
The sadness sets in.
Remembering again
How on my own I am
More than a memory
I have a picture of you
But that’s not close
To what I wanted the most

I did what I had to
Tried to catch you
No lure or bait worked
I tried to snag you
It wasn’t enough…again
Pain, it seems, my only friend
I try to love, to live, to care, to give
The knife, the dagger, the shank, the shiv
The tourniquet, the constant pressure
The headstone, the tears without measure

Sick of You

Just stop,
I’m sick of you
I don’t want to see you
Can’t be near you
I don’t want to hear you
Talking, telling me
The picture that you’re painting
I don’t believe you
And you’re not too good at faking
Making excuses
Communication is useless
It’s a ruthless game that you’re playing
Paying no attention
To the things I’m saying.
It’s painstaking
I’m patiently waiting
And pain is making me see plainly
That maybe you see differently than me

Simply, a Woman

I lie in wait;
ready for a moment some say won’t ever happen.
Lightning striking, bringing me to my knees.
Hopelessly wanting that electricity.
I want to see her.
I know it is right.
I want to hold her through the night.
I don’t need to speak.
She knows how I feel.
She's here and its clear,
We’re happy together.
It’s something unreal.
Kneel across from her and see
into her eyes across eternity.

So I Go

Oh that’s right. I remember now; how I felt about you.
I don’t want to relive that
I lived it one too many times as it is
As it were, I’ll do what I did then
I won’t be your friend
And so it goes…again
I can’t be around you without wishing
Dreaming, thinking about you
I hate that about me
And so I go on
You’re not there to bring me down
But if you’d have me, sadly;
I’d take you back gladly…
I hate that about me
I stand alone.
With no one around me
Confounding me with mind games
She plays with me
So I stand up
I take a stand
And demand!
…think about saying no
But doing it anyway
Letting her play her way, my role
One more day.
I give her a chance to turn it around
The whole time wishing I didn’t
I hate that about me

Something About You

Something about you just does it for me
Obviously you mean a lot to me
Seriously though, how can you just leave me alone?
At a time like this I need to feel your kiss
Time drags and I long for you
Your touch brings a rush to my senses
I lower my defenses
When you come around
The sound of your voice
Some how it calms me
Its like your love embalms me
Nothing is wrong
Everything is right tonight
I am with you
I am cheerful
It has been so long since I have felt that
When you leave I want you right back
Somewhere you lie alone sleeping
I am here thinking of you
I am about to
Why did I ever doubt you?
Now you can be surrounded by my love
Its not enough, you deserve more
I’ll give you everything
That is what you mean to me
You are the only one I want to see
Everyday, forever beside me
You can’t deny me


Sometimes it hurts more than it should
Sometimes I let it
Sometimes everything reminds me of you
Sometimes it is all I know
Sometimes I want to let it all go
Sometimes I hang on because its all I really have
Sometimes you still inspire me
Sometimes I can't escape everything that is you
Sometimes I realize it is because you are a part of me
Sometimes I need so much more than what I have been left with
Sometimes I just want to run
Sometimes the pain is too much
Sometimes it holds me fast, holds me close
Sometimes you're the one I need the most
Sometimes I look and you're all I see
Sometimes I wish I was free from everything you mean to me
Sometimes all these things come rushing back to me
Sometimes I write it down for you to see

Speak to me

I don’t trust you I don’t believe you I don’t understand you I’m hurting myself I wish it was worth it But I don’t think it is If I continue I am going to be miserable I’m already lonely I don’t need misery to accompany me I love you but I can’t love you Not being the one for you Not being loved by you Stop seeing me the way you do Let go Let me know How it is you really feel Let me be Free me please I don’t want to be your rebound friend To get you on your feet again I don’t deserve to be used like that Your silence only confuses me So speak to me

Speed Waiting

Calm your nerves, you're insecure
Wait for it!
Patience Boy!
Do not doubt. Do not fight yourself
You can wait.
You've waited this long
If she's the one then you MUST wait

Time is cruel
Stay the course
Do not cave
When the time is right
Be persistent, resilient

She is brilliant, isn't she.
Just wait...good things come
and if she's the one
She's worth waiting for
You know that much at least.
Be patient
Slow it down
What's the rush
You can only do so much
You can only do enough.
You can wait.
The pain, the trials they will not last forever
and if the time comes that you are together
it will be sweeter.
It will be worth the wait.

Stuck in the Middle

I’m stuck in the middle
So give me just a little
Room so I can wiggle
Cause I’m caught in a pickle
I move to the side
As worlds collide
I confide that I’m taking this in stride
I feel satisfied
I know the problems I face will go
Like the rivers I will flow
With seeds I’ve sown
Oh so comfortable

Synonym Trees

Over and Over, it repeats Time and Time again, it replays A re-run, a reprise a false start, a restart a re-do, undone, a duplicate, a copy an echo a reoccurring dream, a revolving door it's de ja vu, familiar. And I'm so sick of it, worn out, exhausted, wasted, tired of it all That I could walk away, step back, rebel, forfeit, repel, give up But I know I'll never be, amount to, become, develop into What I should, What I could, potentially I am without, lacking, void, missing, vacant alone, desolate, lost, delusional, delirious spinning, dizzy, discombobulated, unbalanced wayward, searching, hiding, camouflage disguised, counterfeit, corrupt, dirty, filthy, nasty, waste, disposed, left over, extra, more, bonus free, gift, present, treasure prized, hold close, revere respect, admire, brave hero, savior, brother, friend, nearer, draw closer

tears and crying

i woke up the day after
a crying disaster
the emotions got the best of me
falling to my knees to plead
my body and mind please be freed
that she'd be happy

everywhere i turn
every thought for months was of her
how do i shut that off
clean it up
clear it out
move along

i'm not mad
i'm devastated
and plain and simple...sad
my mind and heart were set
and now i need to forget

so what,
i cried in her arms before i left
and the tears fell as i walked out her door
and in the airport as i waited to board
and driving on my car ride home
and when i woke and she wasn't there
 i fell to the floor
laying there in shards, pieces
tears....and crying.

That Man

If you can live with the choice
you can live with the consequences
you can put up your defenses
you can talk yourself senseless
but you will never convince me
that this is the best thing.
Choose you this day
but it's already made
and you already know
the outcome of this scenario
and if it leads to anything but pain
to anything but regret
for the lives you will miss
and the smiles you'll forget
then I will be happily mistaken
I will swallow my pride
but I will never know that man
at any point in my life
he will never meet my wife
or say 'hi' to my kids
but these are your consequences
if it's how you want to live

The Cycle

I know.
I knew when I saw you
I never really stood a chance
But I took one anyway
Fully knowing
I was setting myself up for pain
My imagination, my dreams
Leading me on.
A false hope and reality
Send me away soon
Reject me quickly
So I can move on
Momentarily fixated
I contemplate the unreal
A true skeptic
Hopeless romantic at heart
The cycle
Back where I began
Hurting because I lack
The only true thing I wish I had

Saturday, January 22, 2005

The Dissolution Proclamation

I wouldn’t mind spending time with you
I don’t have much to offer or give you
There’s not much we’ve been through
Not much of a future is within view
Since you happen to be afraid of me
Dating or committing
Makes my proposition silly
Not scared of me per se
But the potential eventual dissolution
The inevitable evolution
A point of un-revival
Where we both in denial
It is everything in between the ends
I desire to perpetuate
It may not last
And probably won’t
That doesn’t mean don’t.

Friday, January 21, 2005

The Future

I have searched for so long
To find where I belong
I guess I never really knew
Until I found you
So many times I’ve been broken
Shattered and left alone
The words that were spoken
They don’t matter I’m home
With you I am in safety’s net
Never looking back, nothing to regret
A dream comes true in you
Finally I can rest from my wandering
No more games I’m through with wondering
Never more satisfied, I’ve tried
I know right now that this isn’t real
But this is what I am hoping to feel

The One

I would have done
You meant everything
But sometimes I think I think too much
My feelings aren’t enough
I end up alone again
Left to fix what I can’t amend
Now you only bring me
Pain and heartache
When I hear your name

All I wanted was to be with you
Have something meaningful
And I,
Amount to nothing in your eyes
Become someone that you despise
And why?

I had to earn you
I was the only one
I was the one that won
Unable to see me for what I was
I was the one
No one can love you like I did
No one will want to
After what you did

The Psalm of Caleb

Awake my soul from darkness now,
No longer droop in sin.
Protect me Lord, temptations snare,
Traps my soul within.
Wilt thou, O Lord, please sanctify,
And straighten out my paths.
That I, dear Lord, may not be bound,
By Satan’s chains and grasp.

My heart it groans, when sin I do,
For flesh it over powers.
Please place Thy Truths in beacons Lord,
Upon Thy Holy towers.
Oh wretched man, I see myself,
I sorrow for my flesh.
For the sins I do commit,
Which easily beset.

My God hath been my full support,
He’s filled me with His love.
He’s heard my cries and dried my eyes,
And blessed me from above.
Rejoice my heart and cry to God,
For endless is my praise.
The Rock of my Salvation whom,
I’ll worship all my days.

Jesus Christ redeems our souls,
By mercy’s lasting bounds.
And Justice it does overcome,
If his will becomes ours.
Our Father gives if we do ask,
In faith, and not amiss.
For we are Christ’s and Christ is His
To live in holiness.

The Significance of your Touch

I’m so scared to get hurt
That the pain overshadows the worth
Of taking the chance at romance
At love
For angels reside
Waiting for my eyes
For my heart
And for loving the whole
Not simply a part
Or a piece
The relief when words are spoken
To hear you speak
Sometimes to see you
To hear you, is all I need
But words and deeds
Are not the only things
Important to me
More importantly
Just having you there
Having you near
Having you here
A touch is simply enough.

The Soft Load

A soft load is lifted but heavier still,
My regret for not seeing my body is chilled.
Alone I encompass a thought of the past.
With no understanding like a thought that will pass.
Slowly I wander and wonder about why,
This pierced piece of soul is left to die.
A pressure builds and the baggage cinched tight,
When a soft load is lifted to rest through the night.
A vision encountered by the pillars of thought,
To stand as a virtue for a thing of naught.
Rearranged to stand alone in the darkness
Subjected to the stain of the vain and the heartless.
Immovable with reason I stand alone in the crowd,
When a soft load is lifted to silence the loud.
Uplifted by the burdens of the downtrodden and meek,
Confusion put to rest when the mute will speak.
The mysteries truth, the plainness of debate,
When a soft load is lifted to hold up the weight.
The present never happens cause its always futures past,
When a soft load is lifted the hardness will last.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Tales of a Lonely Man

The tales of a lonely man
The saddest things
The sorrow it brings
The life of the lonely man
Time only prolongs the pain
And with all of this
Comes life’s great twists
Time is part of the pain
On my own
This lonely man
His only plan
To be all on my own
It never works out
Sometimes it seems
A lifetime to me

Look at the tears
A lonely man’s fears
His plan to stand-alone
Solo, his only road
Stories never told
No one to hold
A hand destined to fold
Heart as stone
Chilled to the bone
Anxiously engaged
Life is a stage
But no one came to see the play

The World Around Me

The world around me is astounding
Leaps ahead, bounding
Advancing, racing the race
Just to start again when it ends
This is real though
It is not pretend
Lend a helping hand
Take a stand
Band together
Save this land
From hypocrisy
One nation
United under God
Invincible and residual.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The worth of…

You weren’t worth it, didn’t deserve it.
All the attention I gave you.
The prices I paid, I can’t explain.
You drove me insane like a stain.
Now when I look at you I think I was a fool.
Who was I kidding?
Forgetting why I even dared to cry.
Or why I liked you to begin with.
Why was I in it?
I wasn’t worth it at all.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Think of Me

You left and didn’t say goodbye
You locked me out and left the key inside
I wonder why alone I think of you
Now that you’re gone I don’t know what to do

I thought that I was mistaken
You were always in the right
Blinded by the life you’d taken
Switched with mine, I see the light

Trouble and tragedy let it be
Triumph and victory foreign to me
Lie cheat leave me alone
You threw away the map but I still got home

Think of me I demand you to
Answer me I command you to
Questioning what did I do wrong
Beckoning what did I do wrong

Monday, January 17, 2005

This is Why

Ever since you confirmed my suspicions
When you told me your true intentions
You said you’d still be there
I believed you, still needed you here
But you are gone away
It’s been weeks to the day
I should be over this
But I enjoyed my fake relationship
Or at least really liking you
Thinking a dream might come true
It was never even plausible
Even though I thought it through
You were just a fantasy to me
I only wanted someone holding me
Telling me I meant something
Feeling like I was worth another’s feelings
Someone to heal the years of loneliness
A lifetime of painful fears and lowliness
Never realizing the only thing I’m holding dear
No one else wants near
Like a leper like filthiness like dirty
And that is why I’m hurting

Sunday, January 16, 2005


My mind is useless
My bite is toothless
This distance is ruthless
My actions near foolish

Ease my pain
I’m needing you
Solicit me with wanting
Hold me in the rain
Think of me
I’m pleading you
Captivate me with reason
Feel my love and see

I’m stuck on the edge
Take one step closer to the ledge
What can I do? And whom can I trust?

All I have ever wanted; was for you to love me
As much as I have loved you

My past has finally caught me
It haunts me
I can see what I want
But there is nothing I can do
I can’t talk
The girl I like doesn’t show any affection
So I am stressing

Because of what I have done
I’ve lost. I haven’t won
It makes me want to cry “WHY?”
I deserve it
Every bit that I get
And it makes me sick
Physically ill
But no pill can save me
I’m my own worst enemy
I can see openly

The beginning of the end
I saw it from the start

Nobody is safe from me anymore
I can’t hide
I can’t find my place
I don’t fit in any puzzle

Nine-eleven is back.
We remember the attack.
We ask,
How could evil wear a friendly mask?

You are safe
This is the place
Heaven’s gate
The doorstep
Temptation in front of me
Leaving me no escape
But wait!

Understand me
I think I’m too demanding
Commanding my attention
Failed to mention
The lesson

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Time Trials

A hopeless romantic
open to my feelings
defensive, due to slow healing
never kneeling, dealing the cards
this house never wins
I haven't so far
but i want to.
not urgently
I won't rush
but it is pressing
the load not lessening
my heart is weak
i'm scared
i decide fast,
impatient to a fault
have i lost my savor?
who will be my salt?

Friday, January 14, 2005


I’m tired of trying
I’m tired of prying
I’m tired of wasting my time
I tried to open your mind
I’m tired of your pride
You won’t be humble, I tried.
Your silly games
I’m too tired to play
You drive me crazy
You really amaze me
Making excuses for you
But there are no excuses for you
You are not worth the agony
Your attitude is nagging me
You are so high in your own mind
One day you may find
You weren’t good enough to be mine

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Too Deep Too Soon

I think of you all too often now
And I don’t know how
To get rid of these thoughts
I thought I ought not to block you out though
But if I keep this up, I’m in trouble
I’m stuck.
What can I do?
You don’t even know
I’d love you forever
And never let you go
I smile when I think of you thinking of me
I can’t wait to see you
Seconds are eternities
I love to hear you laugh
I’d never make you cry
Unless they are tears of joy
Falling from your eyes
I can’t sleep at night
I’m restless without you
It’s doubtful that I could now live without you
Everyday I find something new about you
To love and learn from
You’re the one who could complete me
I love you.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Trials Due to the Lack of Love

My ability to love could end my life early.
Simply because I’d die surely for the word.
For someone who feels it for me.
Something that has passed me by so far, rules my mind recently.
I don’t know.
But the feeling of needing it won’t let me go.
It has taken control. But it doesn’t lift me. It brings me low.
Its absence from my life won’t end tonight.
In due time I may find what I seek.
But the line I would wish to speak
My tongue refrains to leak.
Or utter to anyone I would want to share it with.
I would give it like a gift, only more often though.
It’s my goal, though many days it feels unattainable.
I feel inadequate.
Do I deserve?
Don’t I deserve?
It is something to earn, to learn…I yearn.
I cry for my turn.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Vows to a Queen

A solemn vow to Thee I make eternally this day
My declaration of love to Thee, a Queen
A promise to Thee in unity
For time and all eternity
In thy absence, My Sweet
My heart will long for Thee
My eyes will feast on Thee in Thy Presence
My devotion to Thee is not only in word but deed
Through life and immortality
Thou wilt find, Thou wilt feel, and Thou wilt know
That it is Thee forever
I will cherish in my soul
Together we are Whole
My heart, my love, my life
Is Thine, my girlfriend, my fiance, my wife.

Sunday, January 09, 2005


Severe pain in my head
Spread ear to ear
My ears ring
And bring
Me to stillness
Body freezes
Jeez this can’t be real
I fear pain more than death
Loosing pieces of my soul
Til there ain’t none left
Void and frustrated
At the way
I stay the same
Knowing things aren’t going my way
If I made my mind up
I wouldn’t be stuck
I’m here
And it’s here
I need to steer clear

Saturday, January 08, 2005

What am I now?

It could be another catastrophe
Can you see it’s not all its cracked up to be
I guess I am sorry
It may mean that I am not all I should have been
What could have been?
I compliment your ability
A slight misreading
It’s sudden yet fleeting
A scene I should have seen
But I lost the will to care
I know that it’s not fair
But I am there

What am I now?
Who am I supposed to show?
Can I reclaim myself?

Only to appease your unquenched desire
Yet in me there was no fire
I had been consumed
Doused with boredom
The flame grew dim
The wind blew and the flames went out again
Scared and secluded
Alone and withered
Some I took and was not the giver
I cried reflecting on our time
You and me
We shined

Friday, January 07, 2005

What have I become?

Bound by uncertainty
Unrest? Oh yes. Certainly
I confess my insecurities are useless
Clueless. I am a mess
Feasting at times
But the famines’ almost killing me
Please I need the recipe
Trying to make apostasy
From what everyone is telling me
What I am or seem to be
Justified by none of my actions
I rationalize my newest attraction
Which leaves me sulking
Lonely wishing thoughtfully
I could be whole
Putting back together what is left of me
If only I could rest in peace
I wouldn’t need you
But being me I’m needing you
My breaking heart without a clue
I don’t know what to do
I stand around void of life
A slave to emotion
Imprisoned by my own ideas
I’m left alone
Doomed to silence
But my willingness to be defiant
Is challenged and beaten
I fight against myself
I can’t let me go free
I can’t get off that easily
I cling to my reality
Not changing my identity
I’m searching for stability
A tool of this economy
I stand-alone
Warding off my own desire
What have I become?
A victim and a liar

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Why Does This Keep Happening?

What is going on here?
Nothing is quite clear
All I wanted was you
I’m getting played for the fool
Madness! This is insane
Sadness…the path is always the same
I’m in too deep
I’m losing sleep
Why does this keep happening?
A new thought
But no change
Only you can stop the pain
Caught in the rain
Without you it’s doubtful I can maintain
It’s strange
But no surprise
Can’t you see it in my eyes?
I wish that I could be free from this captivity
It is engulfing me
Why does this keep happening?
I don’t fall often
Most times I slip
But when I fall
It’s hard and quick
Next thing I know
I’ve dug a hole
I can’t get out of it
I’ve lost control
I need to know
Being in limbo is not the way for me to go
It’s so draining and my explaining
Isn’t going to be enough
So why am I complaining?
The problem is me
Or maybe reality
But clearly beckoning
My old familiar cry
Why oh why do I compromise?
Why does this keep happening?

Wednesday, January 05, 2005


I have been a selfish man
It is always I, Always me
I, I, me, my, mine
But deep down, way down inside
A better part of me resides
It is where I realize,
I would willingly die, willingly live
Willingly give, anything for you.
Where I, would put aside
Anything of mine
When I would want to try
To rush this quickly through
I will gladly wait for you
And it is done willingly
Something compelling me
Inside telling me
It is beyond me, it is willingly
It is purity, deep in certainty
It is certainly purely, completely willingly
Willingly do, willingly move
Willingly true,
Willingly, anything for you.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Wish You Were Here

So, so you think you could tell*
This lonely man in a cell
Sunshine from rain?
Will you look in my eyes
And see why I cry
The long bitter goodbye
So long to the blue sky
Did they get you to trade*
Ambition for tears
True love for a cold fear
All comforts for shame
Could you reclaim
The life that I’ve lost cause of you
Or dreams shattered for fame.

So, so you think you tell*
Follow tears like a trail
Through fire and rain
Can you tell me a tail
Of how this has failed
And love gone stale
Do you think you could tell*
Did the get you to trade*
Your heart for a spade
This game of charades
Your honor for “okays”
Cold assurances paid
I might have obeyed
But all my dreams are gone
Now I turn the page

by Caleb Reeve
Verse one was written by Roger Waters and David Gilmore
This poem follows Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” meter.
*indicates lines that are used in the original song.

Monday, January 03, 2005



Sunday, January 02, 2005

Won’t Don’t Can’t

It’s hard knowing you won’t pray for me while I’m gone.
No second thoughts or desires to be in my arms.
No longing for me, no desperation.
I won’t pass through your thoughts,
Or flash in your mind’s eye.
You don’t want me or need me.
It kills me.
You don’t tell your friends you miss me.
You won’t kiss me or sing to me.
I won’t see your smile.
I can’t look in your eyes.
You can’t give me what I want.
I can never ask you to.
Wishing I could and that you would.
I should just stop now and call it good.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

You Said…

You said you’d call me 
But you didn’t remember me once yesterday 
It makes me think and wonder if you even care at all. 
Please don’t lead me on.
Please don’t make me believe what really isn’t there. 
Don’t say what you don’t mean just to appease me. 
You are better than that.
And so am I. 
I can’t understand.
I don’t know if I want to.
Thank you for everything you haven’t done for me recently.
I have gone out of my way to be there. 
You haven’t at all. 
You leave me. 
What am I supposed to think? 
What am I supposed to do? 
I am so lost when it comes to you. 
I want to call or text. 
But I won’t.
You said you’d call. 
So I’ll wait to see if you ever come through.
What will I say? 
(She knows how I feel.)
You know how I feel!
I told you...
And look where it left me!