Monday, February 28, 2005

Empty Shells

She holds me in check
What will I get?
No ideas of what to expect
Except those eyes, and that smile
That tears down my defenses
Relentless
She doesn’t even know
How my insides curl
I’m tied in knots
I try to play it cool
Make her laugh
Give her subtle clues
So she laughs and I love hearing it
Clues, I give them
I’m so smitten
Trying to see inside
What is she really like?
So many sides
Does she have one for me?
I might like what I see
So, nervously, I proceed with caution
Most often though,
I’m lost in waves of emotion
Blinding exhaustion
Clouding my view
Treading this awesome ocean for you

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Fear and Trembling

I’m never scared to fly
But I am nervous today
I never had something to lose
I still don’t
But I wish I did
And that is enough to make me
Desire safety

I feel like what a 50 car pile up looks like
But just on the inside
Only, no one slows down to check me out or clean me up
Maybe it will take care of itself, they say
No not today. I apologize
This one may have broke the bank
I’m tapped out
No hope and lonely again
My only friend is sick of me
I really am.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Filthiness Surrounding Me

Filthiness surrounding me
Let me be free of these chains
Outlasting my peers
Fears haunting me
I’m unsteady and wavering
Spoiled.
Standing still
Facing backwards
Drifting
Show me hold me
Love me baby
Where, if ever, will I find you?
When will it happen?
I have seen it happen
So I know I can
But will it for me?
Hopefully.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Forever Away

What’s weird is
I could feel forever away, right beside you.
Lay next to you, and be more lonely than ever.
How is that possible?
And sometimes,
I don’t know why, but
I continue to try, to please or tease.
Your touch brings chills.
Voice, thrills
Laughter, on the edge of disaster
I can’t break through
Or tell you
I can’t convince you or trick you
Into me
Out of these, only moments
Of sweet, fading memories
A different me
Approaching it differently
Another time for another rhyme
Another mood, another dude…
That’s how the cookie crumbles
Can’t get the ball to fumble
Wonderful
Caring, careful, I’m kidding
Bidding, biding my time
In a timely fashion
Trying to manage this traffic
Without crashing
An unneeded distraction
But I can’t escape the attraction
Separate ways, distant paths
And for days I’ll miss you
Knowing you won’t give a second thought – and
Maybe all together forgot-en
So would I rather be beside you or miles away
Either way, it feels the same to me.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Fragments

This could be
The end of me
I can see
Plainly
That maybe
I hate me.
I’m asking a free-be
Please free me
Life owes me
Who knows me?
Just show me
The way.
I can’t play
These games.
It’s insane
Only pain.
No fame
No fortune
My portion
Is meager.
I’m eager
I’d leave her
I need her.
Wake up!
Who am I?
I can’t lie
I’m loosing
But cruising
My bruising
Not healing
I’m feeling
Alone.
Nobody home
Around me
Surrounding
This impulse
Confounding
Astounding
Amounting
I’m counting
The days
Nothing satisfies
Nothing subsides
Nothing. No one.
These suffering eyes
I cry
Inside
Peace hides
My pride
Is proven
You left me in ruins.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Frustrated

Frustrated
But patiently waiting
My time of probation
It hastening on
And all along
I thought it was me who was wrong
I should have kept my mouth shut
And shut up
When I knew I went too far
The best sayings go unsaid
The best writings never get read
The choicest thoughts are unthinkable
Imagine me being free
To say the things I’ve got to say
Without hesitation
Without reservation
Just because I think this way
Why do I have to hold my tongue?
To keep me from being put away
The hill is too steep
I can’t climb it
It’s time that has slipped from my hands

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Game

Tell us how you do it.
I’ll get down to it.
Screw it.
I never learned it, I knew it.
Innate. It is just inside me.
Confiding, residing, riding this crazy train,
How can I explain something I don’t understand?
I command respect, and I expect a check.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Good day

I’ve dreamed many dreams
And seen many things
And been so many places
And seen so many faces
And stared in people’s eyes
And seen nothing inside, and sighed
Just wondered why

I’ve said a lot of things
Things I didn’t mean
Hurt a lot of feelings
And gave no words of healing
Many times I’ve written rhymes
Bout breaking hearts, her breaking mine
Wishing I was someone else
Or wouldn’t feel the way I felt, and yelled
But somehow dealt

There were times I ran away
From people, feelings, but should have stayed
That’s really all I have to say.
Good day.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Gunslinging

A gunslinger but so gun shy
I don’t know why
I cannot define
Or delineate the lines
And for a reason, this season
Has lasted a very long time

Walking the tight rope
Hold ‘til I choke
A puff of smoke
An incendiary hope
Smelling the ashes, a wave silently crashes
Attracting a very strong tide

Her Wall

She builds her wall
She hides inside
Her only way of staying safe
Her place of refuge when confused
A solitary place
She cares but in her mind
She simply can’t afford to
She keeps her feelings out
When it gets too rough
When commitment is too much
She has the wall to fall behind
That seems to be enough

Help her!
She needs some one to trust.
Love her!
She needs to be loved.
Show her it is safe.
She doesn’t need the wall
Let her know ,
She has your ears.
Let her heal,
She has your arms.
Let her hide,
She has your eyes.
Let her go,
She has your heart.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Hold Me

I need to be held close by someone I care for
And I need to know that I am cared for
I just need to feel what that is like
I’ve been missing that my whole life
I’ve wanted so bad to love someone
Somebody that loved me back
I’ve waited so long
The feelings are so strong
But something has been wrong
And I have never been held
The way that I need to be
Somebody love me
I’m tired of waiting
I have so much love to give
And no one will hold me.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Humbly I Lie in Wait

I live a life of torture and pain.
I can’t explain the reasons I need to pray.
Please forgive me, ease my sentencing.
My penance is renting my soul.
My joy will never be full.
I don’t follow the truth I know.
I drop the beliefs I need to hold.
No self-pity.
These silly games I play.
The dreams I have laid away, fade.
Nobody knows the prices I’ve paid.
I stayed.
I gave.
I crave.
Promise me you’ll love me forever.
Don’t leave me alone.
I want to be together.
A tear in my eye, I cry.
I’m wondering why.
Swelling inside, like waves of the sea, emotion.
An angry and tired ocean of worthless devotion.
He that owns me owes me nothing.
I am the one that owes something.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Hymns of Mine

The night is o’er the light bursts forth
The glorious light of God
Father and Son appeared to man
Let’s spread the word abroad

The scriptures brought and wisdom taught
So let us not forsake
The covenant is newly shown
So glory we might take

Prophets called from God above
Authority is ours
This Christ’s same Church as organized
With priesthoods’ Godly powers

The truth restored and prophesies
Are finally now fulfilled
Since ancient truths are brought to pass
The way to God revealed

#2
An angel fallen from the throne of grace
To lead the souls of men astray
A plan for children of our father
Send a Savior, Christ our Brother
Matchless love and doubts for fears
Matchless power for chains and tears
When trials shall cross your way
Roads of indecision paved
Your Lord and Brother, Savior, Friend
Shall mark the path until the end
Yes the plan of God is great
“help me to understand thy will. Before it grows too late.”

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I am Alone

Who is there for me when I need?
Where are the friends who said,
They would always be there for me
That they would never leave
I look for a shoulder
A roof, a shelter
Protection from the sweltering heat
In this frenzy
I cannot tell who is being friendly
Are these guys for real?
Or are they just pretending?

I was there for you
Every time,
I dropped everything
Every penny and dime
Now I need someone
But no one is around me
Where are the people I thought I was close to?
This is confounding
I’m drowning
Pain surrounds me
I am alone
I stand all on my own

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I Can't Deal With That

I’m not enough
I don’t add up
I am impossibility
I will never do for you
That is how you make me feel
I can’t deal with that
It hurts too much
I need to get out of here
You cause me too much pain
Too much heartache
The internal struggle
Mental trauma
Personal drama
I can’t deal with it
I love you!
But I wish I didn’t know you
Not being good enough
Is worse than being alone
I’d rather be alone
Than to have known that
I can’t deal with that

Monday, February 14, 2005

I Had To Go

If I knew I couldn’t stay
If I had to leave today
What would I want to say?
Would I lie?
And tell you I’m fine.
Would I cry and apologize?
When I realized:
I couldn’t tell you how I really feel inside
Could I kneel at your feet or stand at your side?
And feel everything is fine
Would I want to run?
And want to start a new life?
Would I feel remorse?
Knowing I could have done more
Would I want to stay?
Just to see your face
To be in your company
Would I long for how it used to be?
Or would I be satisfied with how things seem?
Would I wish it were all a dream?
So I could wake up and not remember a thing
How would I feel if I had to go?
If you knew I couldn’t stay
And I had to leave today
Would you try to make me stay?
Or just turn and walk away
Would you try to lie to my face?
And then vanish without a trace
Would you tell me you loved me?
And say you don’t care that I’m ugly
That you truly adore me
You could wake up to my face every morning
Really, what would be your story?
Would you want to stay?
Even if things really weren’t that great
Would you want to come along?
You felt that you belonged
Would you leave your life behind?
Start a new one with mine
Would you wish for the past back again?
So we would never have to be friends
Would you feel it was worth it?
Or that you didn’t deserve it
How would you feel if I had to go?

Sunday, February 13, 2005

I Hate Being Alone

It is sad and I am mad
I have nothing to do
You know that this is true

So down so lonely
No one to hold me
This is how it has been unfolding

No one to call me Just to say hi
I scroll through my numbers a few times each night
But it is no wonder I feel like this life isn’t right

I must have made a wrong turn
But I don’t know where so I can’t go back there
To fix the mistake I make or made

Now I am stuck. Abandoned
I’m the only one home
And it’s driving me crazy. I hate being alone

Saturday, February 12, 2005

I Just Want to Hold You

I just want to hold you
I want you to want to be held
I want you to want me
And not be able to sleep
Cause you’re constantly thinking of me
How you want to be with me
Wishing you were near me
Constantly suffering
Longing for me
Feel how I feel
Know what I go through
That is what I think of you
Sleepless longing, constantly suffering
Not knowing if I am enough for you
Insecurities plague me
Hold me help me
Touch me tell me
You care.

Indentured

I can't help it right now.
I want to call.
I want to write.
I want contact of any kind.
But I know I can't and I shouldn't.
So I don't.

And still in secrecy,
I hope you'll write.
I hope you'll call.
Or make contact of any kind.
But I know you won't.
Though I wish you would.

I know it is wrong.
I am not trying to hold on.
But my grip was tight.
The rope was cut.
I fell hard.
I try to fight the pain.

It's not your fault.
It was me all along.
I pressed for results.
I was the one,
I brought this on.
I should have been stronger.

I feel responsible for everything.
I made it harder instead.
I complicated things.
I was so hopeful, so eager.
I was anxious, far too anxious.
Too much, too fast for you.

I could have been better.
But I made you push away.
That it was better it end.
Then work it through.
I didn't want to go.
But willingly, anything for you.

Reminders of you.
Everywhere I turn.
Everywhere I look.
I hide you from me.
Because it hurts to see,
My faded hope and dream.

I saw you online,
I became scared and nervous.
My face went numb.
I was sad again.
I struggled mightily.
I held it in.

But tonight I'll cry again,
As I beg God to bless you.
To watch over and protect you,
Fill you with joy.
Ease your burdens.
And that success will find you.

No spell was needed.
No potion or trick.
No smoke or mirrors.
Never a hint of deception used.
You are magic.
It's why I fell in love with you.

Friday, February 11, 2005

I Never Stood A Chance

More than ever, you are never there for me
I want to be the one you need
That would be a dream to me
I will never do
When I was here
You made it clear
I never stood a chance
Doomed from the beginning
It’s tearing me apart inside
And why did I not run and hide?
I knew I was doomed
Damned.
I never stood a chance

I am on the road again
Will this never end?
I can’t stand the pain
It’s tearing me in pieces
On the road again

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Insufficient Funds

No one wants to realize
They aren't good enough in another’s eyes.
This is revealed to me consistently.
That is why I stay alone,
Humbled to the bone.
I simply was not good enough, despite my efforts.
I can't be more than I am.
I can't be something I am not.
But why is it never good enough to be me?
With no more potential it seems.
Than to be a guy that is funny and fun.
I have insufficient funds.
I’ll try to rationalize, I’m sure of it.
Or hear someone say it’s worth it
To suffer and feel those things.
But that is a fallacy. It is wrong
There has never been a time when it was worth it.
It is better to love and lose,
Those are lines for fools.
There is no hate if there is no love.
No pain when you don’t care.
No failure without an attempt.
I wouldn’t have had to feel...
And the lows are more real
They are stronger and stay longer
And time, the only remedy
Is the slowest solution quite possibly

I Only

I only write when I’m bored
I’m only bored when I’m down
I’m only down when I’m lonely
I’m only lonely when I’m alone
I’m only alone when I’m home
I’m only home when I’m tired
I’m only tired when I play
I only play when there’s time
There’s only time when I slack
I slack when I want
I want when I need
I only need when I think
I only think when I write

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

If You Knew

She’s so cute
Hair in her eyes
And it makes me smile
This girl is so down
Eyes sparkle in the light
It feels good inside
She’s not mine
But I want her so bad
Possibilities make me wild

Oh babe, if you only knew
What I go through
Then we would have been together
Long ago

It’s in your smile
Yes, it’s all it takes
And it makes me complete
It’s you the one I see
Liberating my heart
I don’t know where to start
It’s what you are
That keeps me hanging on
That is why I love you

Oh babe, if you only knew
What I go through
Then we would have been together
Long ago

I see your face
And my soul yearns
Girl, I get dizzy
And my head turns
I get lost and I cry
Cause you are the only one
That I really want
What can I do?
How can I make it?
With or with out you

Friday, February 04, 2005

It Isn't the Same

I failing my goal of letting you go
I cannot control this pain that I know
I want this to end, it all depends
If I can play my role

Do I abandon this send this friendship amiss?
Or should I stay and stick with it?
Caught in a trap, I can’t turn back
All I know is I’m making a mess

No girls look cute. I only think of you
I don’t know what to do. I feel like a fool
I’ve fallen for you. I’m filled with fear
What exactly may I ask is going on here?

No one has a smile like you
I try to compare. I don’t know why I care
This isn’t fair.
I wonder where do I go from here?

Thursday, February 03, 2005

It Is You Again

It’s hard to ignore feelings.
I care for you.
So I try to hide them away.
Hiding brings pain.
No one can see but me.
A lonely beast of humility you’ve rendered me
Hold me please so reverently
Maybe it’s not meant to be
It’s meant to be hard on me
You don’t know the half of it
I hear you.
See you.
Read your words.
The thought of you.
Dreams of you.
I sound absurd but it’s true
All of that sickens me
I want them so badly
I expect too much too quickly

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Lessons Learned

I shouldn’t have started
Or entertained the very thought
We gather here to honor
The dearly departed
My own funeral
I’m setting up shop
Ready the pallbearers
I’m killing myself
At least, I’m letting me die
It’s moving traffic
Simply step to the side
That ending though
Too quick and far too easy
Long
Slow
Painfully
Yes, deliberate
Shameless and shamed fully
Now that it has begun
I anticipate the end to come
Left
Abandoned
Hopeless helplessness
Repetition, the key to learning
This lesson learned
But often repeating
I know this feeling
Too many times over
Hardly a doer
But mostly a knower
Here I am
Where are you?

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Meaning...

I'm nervous. Undecided in fact.
That makes this harder to do.
Which path do I take?
I have choices to make.
I don't want to make them though.
Uncertainty freezes me in my place.
If I make a move, I could win big or lose.
If I choose, it may be great.
It may be the worst decision ever made.
Weighing this on the scales.
So far my fears prevail.
If I go for it, at least I can move on;
No matter the verdict.
Can I take the heartache?
Can I deal with the pain again?
Do I really want to know the answer?
I don't know.
So for now I wait, afraid.
Meaning...