Monday, January 31, 2005

Miss Mason

If you were on the phone
I’d say I’ve been acting dumb
Wanting to be with you
But never being with you
I want to kiss you
I’ve cried because I’ve missed you
Now I think I have lost you
And it’s causing me to pause and see
What you really meant to me
I looked at you and Brooke it’s true
Every time you spoke to me
I wanted to be
The guy that you’d decide
To stand by through hard times
I wanted to be there for you
If you had a bad day at school
I wanted you to call me from the ticket booth
And tell me how your day has been
I wanted to be there
When things were good
And if things went bad
Or if you got mad
I wanted to be there
To make you laugh
So hard you’d cry
And you’d forget why
You were mad in the first place
This is why I’ve been acting strange
This is why I feel insane
And why I say the things I say
I’m secretly, madly in love with you
And you don’t know
And I can’t tell you
I’m scared that you’ll hate me
Not want to see me
Or come near me
So I go on hurting inside
But outside I’m fine

Sunday, January 30, 2005

My Hope


All I need is her.
She is my only hope.
Find me.
rescue me, please.
Save me, take me, make me whole.
This life alone is all I know.
And I can't do it much longer
I have been stronger but my courage fades
my pride is gone and my heart no longer stone
She is the marrow for my hollow bones
I wallow aimless.
I have no home with out her.
She is my only hope.

My Time is Up

My friends, my boys, in love and loving it.
Maybe I’ll know what it’s like one day.
I can only hope and pray
That may be the case
If I am lucky, I won’t go alone.
Through the world on my own
An island, no emotion.
Broken so slowly by only one thing:
Time. Mine is up. I am due.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

My Old Flame

The fire inside me burns brightly
It might be likely
That she doesn’t like me
Despite me
To spite me
It’s frightening
Liking someone like this
As much as I do
It’s spreading
It’s viral
A downward spiral
I’m not ready
But I’m letting it go
There’s no spark
Pitch black
It’s dark
To travel no more
Put it in park
I can’t go further
And I’m sure
Not certain
The curtain
Is being pulled
The show is over
Go home
There’s nothing to see here
It’s clear
My fear inside
Rises like the tide
Cheer fades like the wind
The doldrums
A fractured fulcrum
Wasted
Wasting away
Faceless
The race is over
I can’t control her
I never told her
Quite how I feel
It was real
But it is over
Man,
I lost another chance
To finally be happy
And full of love
Joyful
Selfless
Selfish
I need to feel you
Is there no one?
A solo homerun
Run home alone
Get me away
From everyone
Must get used to the pain
Someone explain the game
Do I always loose?
Is the only rule
Make sure I hurt and bruise?
But don’t break
Take me away from this place
This, I can’t take
To see us like this
One last kiss
Well too bad
You left me alone
Again!

Friday, January 28, 2005

Nicole

I look at this girl
She’s got self-esteem
She knows she is worth something
That means a lot to me
Because a girl like that is hard to find
Less issues fewer tissues
Fewer games for my mind
Look at her man!
She holds her head up high
Plus she’s blonde and she’s beautiful
I’m wishing she was mine

Thursday, January 27, 2005

No Escape

I can’t escape these feelings
No one can hear my pleading
No more motivation is in me
It’s gone because no one needs me
Now I am in this cycle
I’m just too prideful
That’s the reason I’m spiteful
I’m a delightful eyeful
Not persuadable, unavailable, and unreliable

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

No Shelter Here

There’s never shelter
Never a shoulder
I wanted to hold her
Have her love me
She's lonely
It must be me
Timing?
No. It’s me
It has got to be
Nothing. I am nothing

Angry at myself
Frustrated
Doubting
Depressed
Alone, still.
My mind is a jail cell
What can I say to her?
She secretly rules me
I’m frozen
Motionless
Brain running wild
An overload of “don’t knows” and “what if’s”
And “why do I’s?” and “how come’s?”
Only I can save me

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Not All Dreams Can Be

It was the eleventh day of the first month
I saw my dreams slip away
Time had turned its lonely hand
Pointing back my way
I cried that night as I stepped outside
And heard the door close behind
And all I wanted was to see
A sparkle in her eye.

Not all dreams can be
But had this one come true
My tears that fell that lonesome night
Would have been stayed
And I would still be with you

Her heart is with another man
And I cannot compete with him
Right now there’s nowhere I can turn
She’ll never know, she’ll never feel
What my heart feels when it burns
There was so much, but not enough
Now my chest is hollow.
My heart is weak.
And tears keep falling.
I have no peace.

Not all dreams can be
But had this one come true
My beating heart instead of me
Would have been felt by you

I want to scream
For tension wretches at me now
Exposed myself to elements
They have brought me down
If you only knew my heart
If you knew how you make me act
If I could have done things differently
Would we now be apart?
I stepped away and lost it all
Because that is what you were
I won’t, I can’t, forget this night
This night I built the wall

Monday, January 24, 2005

Not Forgotten

You are anything but forgotten
I think of you often
More than you think I do
Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to
I miss you
But I wish that I didn’t
It sounds bad, but it isn’t
All I do is sit and mope around
Wishing you were here
Or that I was there
I sit and stare
Alone I think
Blink blink blink. This stinks
I think I missed my chance
I should have asked you to dance
I didn’t know what I was missing
Please know, I know
I feel so low
No one to talk to, no one that cares
I’m alone on my own
I’d rather be anywhere but here
I miss my friend
I lost him to a girl
I understand
But now I am lost in this world
No directions
Nowhere else to go
And so, even though I would like to be with you
I guess for now I’ll roam

Sunday, January 23, 2005

One of These Days

One of these days, one of these rays of sun will hit me
Instead of someone else
I have been sitting on the shelf
Waiting for my turn
I yearn
My concerns plague me
Look at what I have made me
Sent myself to Hades
Infect myself with rabies
Driving myself crazy.

Only You

You are the only one for me
The only one I see
And it was meant to be
I didn’t want to leave
I didn’t want to die inside
But I did and I don’t know why
I don’t know how
But when I walked out
I left my heart behind
I left my soul for you
I only took the pain of leaving you again
It is all I have now
It is all I have left of you
It’s only memories and pain
The loss is all I feel
The only thing that is real
You are the only one
The only one my eyes can see
The only one my lungs can breathe
The only one my heart can love
The only one my soul can feel
It is only you

Pieces of Me

I’ve been robbed of memories
They’ve stolen my thoughts
My earliest ones lost
My biography of love
I wrote it. It’s gone
They stole it!
No way to retrieve these pieces of me
They’ve gone from me
Left me alone, again.
No key to my past
No journal kept
How many pieces?
Who are these people?
With no regard taking me away with them
How could you? Why would you do that to me?
I need them back
I am incomplete
Without the pieces of me

Past Presently

So many memories come rushing back to me
As the past is presently before me to see
Unfolding its delicacies intrinsically
Remembering and now
Visiting myself a few years back
It is clear I am stuck in the same old tracks
Had anything changed?
Well, I am older now…
I have learned a little bit
But mostly I am sick of it
Tired of how my life has progressed
I haven’t taken forward steps
Depressed and upset things haven’t changed

Visiting places I used to go
Just to get low
And know I don’t go anymore
And memories stored
That I have locked away
Haunt me in dreams
It seems they just stay
And it brings me down
But man, why am I sad?
People would kill to live the life I have
But I am not satisfied
I’ve cried myself to sleep

I confess that I am a mess and the stress is killing me
Wondering and praying that I may break free
My somber poetry flows slowly at times
And I only write this cause nothing else feels right
So I’ll go on alone
Working out this probation
Wishing life was more kind and my time wasn’t wasted

Reasons

I can't write you a poem
Words are not sufficient
So take my life
It will be my poem to you
A living work dedicated for you
My life, my actions, my love
I will give them all to you
It would all be for you

It is more deeply felt inside me
It is no longer a stranger in hiding
It is constant and abiding
It is welcome and residing

I needed a reason to save my soul
I was drifting aimlessly, living
There was no point or meaning
You have changed everything
I am ready for you now
My reason to improve

Repetitious Ways

I have run out of things to say
I am tired of my repetitious ways
Without repeating words and depleting verbs
There is nothing new you haven’t heard

I have felt this all before
There is nothing more
But my pen is eager for ink to be spilled
Until the page is filled

Cupping the water in pooling hands
Reflections, reflecting my foolish plans
Bearing the load no schoolboy can
An echoing past through canyon lands

Restless

I can’t sleep
I can’t get comfortable
I can’t even speak
I can’t believe my eyes
Awestruck, frozen, un-fearless
And intimidated needless to say
I have so much to say
And no way to make words
Courage, in a time like this
Would be a guilty pleasure

More wasted feelings
It’s likely my eyes
Will never have that pleasure again
Sometimes a memory isn’t enough
I crave for more
I long for something to remind me
Did I really just see her?
You are more than beautiful
As you fade away
Isn’t there another way?

Scared

Unprepared, she doesn’t know what she fears
I know she is scared, so she will steer clear
But the fear won’t let her get close to me
This is not how it is supposed to be
She won’t budge; she’s firmly placid
The fear holds her steadily vapid

I’m scared too…
Just for different reasons than you.

Seeing or Being Me

The hardest part about being me
Is standing here able to see
Exactly what I want
But I just can’t reach.
It isn’t something I can work for and get
It is something I can’t forget
Staring me down almost mocking me
Dead in my tracks stopping me
Thinking things, puddles of thought
No easel but paint on my smock
No picture to speak of, no art
A clear pallet, I shall finally depart
Wearily be smart
And separate, disconnect
Until I can make a new start

Self Fulfilling Prophecy

Watching you go
Knowing what I know
Feeling these feelings
Seeing what I’ve seen
This is just me
It would usually be much worse
The hurt that is...
But I’ve been numbed
By previous lofty dreams
Steering far clear of me
I have seen this future
And what’s to come
I have seen the future
And I don’t like a single one

And now as I drive myself to madness
The sadness sets in.
Remembering again
How on my own I am
More than a memory
I have a picture of you
But that’s not close
To what I wanted the most

I did what I had to
Tried to catch you
No lure or bait worked
I tried to snag you
It wasn’t enough…again
Pain, it seems, my only friend
I try to love, to live, to care, to give
The knife, the dagger, the shank, the shiv
The tourniquet, the constant pressure
The headstone, the tears without measure

Sick of You

Just stop,
I’m sick of you
I don’t want to see you
Can’t be near you
I don’t want to hear you
Talking, telling me
The picture that you’re painting
I don’t believe you
And you’re not too good at faking
Making excuses
Communication is useless
It’s a ruthless game that you’re playing
Paying no attention
To the things I’m saying.
It’s painstaking
I’m patiently waiting
And pain is making me see plainly
That maybe you see differently than me

Simply, a Woman

I lie in wait;
ready for a moment some say won’t ever happen.
Lightning striking, bringing me to my knees.
Hopelessly wanting that electricity.
I want to see her.
I know it is right.
I want to hold her through the night.
I don’t need to speak.
She knows how I feel.
She's here and its clear,
We’re happy together.
It’s something unreal.
Kneel across from her and see
into her eyes across eternity.

So I Go

Oh that’s right. I remember now; how I felt about you.
I don’t want to relive that
I lived it one too many times as it is
As it were, I’ll do what I did then
I won’t be your friend
And so it goes…again
I can’t be around you without wishing
Dreaming, thinking about you
I hate that about me
And so I go on
You’re not there to bring me down
But if you’d have me, sadly;
I’d take you back gladly…
Happy.
I hate that about me
I stand alone.
Shouting.
With no one around me
Confounding me with mind games
She plays with me
So I stand up
I take a stand
And demand!
…ask…
…think about saying no
But doing it anyway
Letting her play her way, my role
One more day.
I give her a chance to turn it around
The whole time wishing I didn’t
I hate that about me

Something About You

Something about you just does it for me
Obviously you mean a lot to me
Seriously though, how can you just leave me alone?
At a time like this I need to feel your kiss
Time drags and I long for you
Your touch brings a rush to my senses
I lower my defenses
When you come around
The sound of your voice
Some how it calms me
Its like your love embalms me
Nothing is wrong
Everything is right tonight
I am with you
I am cheerful
It has been so long since I have felt that
When you leave I want you right back
Somewhere you lie alone sleeping
I am here thinking of you
I am about to
Why did I ever doubt you?
Now you can be surrounded by my love
Its not enough, you deserve more
I’ll give you everything
That is what you mean to me
You are the only one I want to see
Everyday, forever beside me
You can’t deny me

Sometimes

Sometimes it hurts more than it should
Sometimes I let it
Sometimes everything reminds me of you
Sometimes it is all I know
Sometimes I want to let it all go
Sometimes I hang on because its all I really have
Sometimes you still inspire me
Sometimes I can't escape everything that is you
Sometimes I realize it is because you are a part of me
Sometimes I need so much more than what I have been left with
Sometimes I just want to run
Sometimes the pain is too much
Sometimes it holds me fast, holds me close
Sometimes you're the one I need the most
Sometimes I look and you're all I see
Sometimes I wish I was free from everything you mean to me
Sometimes all these things come rushing back to me
Sometimes I write it down for you to see

Speak to me

I don’t trust you
I don’t believe you
I don’t understand you
I’m hurting myself
I wish it were worth it
But I don’t think it is
If I continue I am going to be miserable
I’m already lonely
I don’t need misery to accompany me
I love you but I can’t love you
Not being the one for you
Not being loved by you
Stop seeing me the way you do
Let go
Let me know
How it is you really feel
Let me be
Free me please
I don’t want to be your rebound friend
To get you on your feet again
I don’t deserve to be used like that
Your silence only confuses me
So speak to me

Speed Waiting

Calm your nerves, you're insecure
Wait for it!
Patience Boy!
Do not doubt. Do not fight yourself
You can wait.
You've waited this long
If she's the one then you MUST wait
WAIT!

Time is cruel
Stay the course
Do not cave
When the time is right
Be persistent, resilient

She is brilliant, isn't she.
Just wait...good things come
and if she's the one
She's worth waiting for
You know that much at least.
Be patient
Slow it down
What's the rush
You can only do so much
You can only do enough.
You can wait.
The pain, the trials they will not last forever
and if the time comes that you are together
it will be sweeter.
It will be worth the wait.

Stuck in the Middle

I’m stuck in the middle
So give me just a little
Room so I can wiggle
Cause I’m caught in a pickle
I move to the side
As worlds collide
I confide that I’m taking this in stride
I feel satisfied
I know the problems I face will go
Like the rivers I will flow
With seeds I’ve sown
Oh so comfortable

Synonym Trees

Over and Over, it repeats
Time and Time again, it replays
A re-run, a reprise
a false start, a restart
a re-do, undone, a duplicate, a copy
an echo
a reoccurring dream, a revolving door
its de ja vu, familiar.

And I'm so sick of it,
worn out, exhausted,
wasted, tired of it all
That I could walk away,
step back, forfeit, repel, give up
But I know I'll never be,
amount to, become, develop into
What I should,
What I could, potentially

I am without,
lacking, void, missing, vacant
alone, desolate, lost, delusional, delirious
spinning, dizzy, discombobulated, unbalanced
wayward, searching, hiding, camouflage
disguised, counterfeit
corrupt, dirty, filthy, nasty
waste, disposed, left over, extra, more, bonus
free, gift, present, treasure
prized, hold close, revere
respect, admire, brave
hero, savior, brother, friend
nearer, draw closer

tears and crying

i woke up the day after
a crying disaster
the emotions got the best of me
falling to my knees to plead
my body and mind please be freed
that she'd be happy

everywhere i turn
every thought for months was of her
how do i shut that off
clean it up
clear it out
move along

i'm not mad
i'm devastated
and plain and simple...sad
my mind and heart were set
and now i need to forget

so what,
i cried in her arms before i left
and the tears fell as i walked out her door
and in the airport as i waited to board
and driving on my car ride home
and when i woke and she wasn't there
 i fell to the floor
laying there in shards, pieces
tears....and crying.

That Man

If you can live with the choice
you can live with the consequences
you can put up your defenses
you can talk yourself senseless
but you will never convince me
that this is the best thing.
Choose you this day
but its already made
and you already know
the outcome of this scenario
and if it leads to anything but pain
to anything but regret
for the lives you will miss
and the smiles you'll forget
then I will be happily mistaken
I will swallow my pride
but I will never know that man
at any point in my life
he will never meet my wife
or say 'hi' to my kids
but these are your consequences
if its how you want to live

The Cycle

I know.
I knew when I saw you
I never really stood a chance
But I took one anyway
Fully knowing
I was setting myself up for pain
My imagination, my dreams
Leading me on.
A false hope and reality
Send me away soon
Reject me quickly
So I can move on
Momentarily fixated
Fixation
I contemplate the unreal
A true skeptic
Hopeless romantic at heart
The cycle
Back where I began
Hurting because I lack
The only true thing I wish I had

Saturday, January 22, 2005

The Dissolution Proclamation

I wouldn’t mind spending time with you
I don’t have much to offer or give you
There’s not much we’ve been through
Not much of a future is within view
Since you happen to be afraid of me
Dating or committing
Makes my proposition silly
Not scared of me per se
But the potential eventual dissolution
The inevitable evolution
A point of un-revival
Where we both in denial
Separate
It is everything in between the ends
I desire to perpetuate
It may not last
And probably won’t
That doesn’t mean don’t.

Friday, January 21, 2005

The Future

I have searched for so long
To find where I belong
I guess I never really knew
Until I found you
So many times I’ve been broken
Shattered and left alone
The words that were spoken
They don’t matter I’m home
With you I am in safety’s net
Never looking back, nothing to regret
A dream comes true in you
Finally I can rest from my wandering
No more games I’m through with wondering
Never more satisfied, I’ve tried
I know right now that this isn’t real
But this is what I am hoping to feel

The One

I would have done
Anything
You meant everything
But sometimes I think I think too much
My feelings aren’t enough
I end up alone again
Left to fix what I can’t amend
Now you only bring me
Pain and heartache
When I hear your name

All I wanted was to be with you
Have something meaningful
And I,
Amount to nothing in your eyes
Become someone that you despise
And why?

I had to earn you
I was the only one
Because
I was the one that won
Unable to see me for what I was
I was the one
No one can love you like I did
No one will want to
After what you did

The Psalm of Caleb

Awake my soul from darkness now,
No longer droop in sin.
Protect me Lord, temptations snare,
Traps my soul within.
Wilt thou, O Lord, please sanctify,
And straighten out my paths.
That I, dear Lord, may not be bound,
By Satan’s chains and grasp.

My heart it groans, when sin I do,
For flesh it over powers.
Please place Thy Truths in beacons Lord,
Upon Thy Holy towers.
Oh wretched man, I see myself,
I sorrow for my flesh.
For the sins I do commit,
Which easily beset.

My God hath been my full support,
He’s filled me with His love.
He’s heard my cries and dried my eyes,
And blessed me from above.
Rejoice my heart and cry to God,
For endless is my praise.
The Rock of my Salvation whom,
I’ll worship all my days.

Jesus Christ redeems our souls,
By mercy’s lasting bounds.
And Justice it does overcome,
If his will becomes ours.
Our Father gives if we do ask,
In faith, and not amiss.
For we are Christ’s and Christ is His
To live in holiness.

The Significance of your Touch

I’m so scared to get hurt
That the pain overshadows the worth
Of taking the chance at romance
At love
For angels reside
Waiting for my eyes
For my heart
And for loving the whole
Not simply a part
Or a piece
The relief when words are spoken
To hear you speak
Sometimes to see you
To hear you, is all I need
But words and deeds
Are not the only things
Important to me
More importantly
Just having you there
Having you near
Having you here
A touch is simply enough.

The Soft Load

A soft load is lifted but heavier still,
My regret for not seeing my body is chilled.
Alone I encompass a thought of the past.
With no understanding like a thought that will pass.
Slowly I wander and wonder about why,
This pierced piece of soul is left to die.
A pressure builds and the baggage cinched tight,
When a soft load is lifted to rest through the night.
A vision encountered by the pillars of thought,
To stand as a virtue for a thing of naught.
Rearranged to stand alone in the darkness
Subjected to the stain of the vain and the heartless.
Immovable with reason I stand alone in the crowd,
When a soft load is lifted to silence the loud.
Uplifted by the burdens of the downtrodden and meek,
Confusion put to rest when the mute will speak.
The mysteries truth, the plainness of debate,
When a soft load is lifted to hold up the weight.
The present never happens cause its always futures past,
When a soft load is lifted the hardness will last.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Tales of a Lonely Man

The tales of a lonely man
The saddest things
The sorrow it brings
The life of the lonely man
Time only prolongs the pain
And with all of this
Comes life’s great twists
Time is part of the pain
On my own
This lonely man
His only plan
To be all on my own
It never works out
Sometimes it seems
A lifetime to me

Look at the tears
A lonely man’s fears
His plan to stand-alone
Solo, his only road
Stories never told
No one to hold
A hand destined to fold
Heart as stone
Chilled to the bone
Anxiously engaged
Life is a stage
But no one came to see the play

The World Around Me

The world around me is astounding
Leaps ahead, bounding
Advancing, racing the race
Just to start again when it ends
This is real though
It is not pretend
Lend a helping hand
Take a stand
Band together
Save this land
From hypocrisy
Demoralization
One nation
United under God
Invincible and residual.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The worth of…

You weren’t worth it, didn’t deserve it.
All the attention I gave you.
I MADE YOU!
The prices I paid, I can’t explain.
You drove me insane like a stain.
Now when I look at you I think I was a fool.
Who was I kidding?
Forgetting why I even dared to cry.
Or why I liked you to begin with.
Why was I in it?
I wasn’t worth it at all.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Think of Me

You left and didn’t say goodbye
You locked me out and left the key inside
I wonder why alone I think of you
Now that you’re gone I don’t know what to do

I thought that I was mistaken
You were always in the right
Blinded by the life you’d taken
Switched with mine, I see the light

Trouble and tragedy let it be
Triumph and victory foreign to me
Lie cheat leave me alone
You threw away the map but I still got home

Think of me I demand you to
Answer me I command you to
Questioning what did I do wrong
Beckoning what did I do wrong

Monday, January 17, 2005

This is Why

Ever since you confirmed my suspicions
When you told me your true intentions
You said you’d still be there
I believed you, still needed you here
But you are gone away
It’s been weeks to the day
I should be over this
But I enjoyed my fake relationship
Or at least really liking you
Thinking a dream might come true
It was never even plausible
Even though I thought it through
You were just a fantasy to me
I only wanted someone holding me
Telling me I meant something
Feeling like I was worth another’s feelings
Someone to heal the years of loneliness
A lifetime of painful fears and lowliness
Never realizing the only thing I’m holding dear
No one else wants near
Like a leper like filthiness like dirty
And that is why I’m hurting

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Tidbits

My mind is useless
My bite is toothless
This distance is ruthless
My actions near foolish

Ease my pain
I’m needing you
Solicit me with wanting
Hold me in the rain
Think of me
I’m pleading you
Captivate me with reason
Feel my love and see

I’m stuck on the edge
Take one step closer to the ledge
What can I do? And whom can I trust?

All I have ever wanted; was for you to love me
As much as I have loved you

My past has finally caught me
It haunts me
I can see what I want
But there is nothing I can do
I can’t talk
The girl I like doesn’t show any affection
So I am stressing

Because of what I have done
I’ve lost. I haven’t won
It makes me want to cry “WHY?”
I deserve it
Every bit that I get
And it makes me sick
Physically ill
But no pill can save me
I’m my own worst enemy
I can see openly

The beginning of the end
I saw it from the start

Nobody is safe from me anymore
I can’t hide
I can’t find my place
I don’t fit in any puzzle

Nine-eleven is back.
We remember the attack.
We ask,
How could evil wear a friendly mask?

Confide.
You are safe
This is the place
Heaven’s gate
The doorstep
Temptation in front of me
Leaving me no escape
But wait!

Understand me
I think I’m too demanding
Commanding my attention
Detention
Failed to mention
The lesson

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Time Trials

A hopeless romantic
open to my feelings
defensive, due to slow healing
never kneeling, dealing the cards
this house never wins
I haven't so far
but i want to.
not urgently
I won't rush
but it is pressing
the load not lessening
my heart is weak
i'm scared
i decide fast,
impatient to a fault
have i lost my savor?
who will be my salt?

Friday, January 14, 2005

Tired

I’m tired of trying
I’m tired of prying
I’m tired of wasting my time
I tried to open your mind
I’m tired of your pride
You won’t be humble, I tried.
Your silly games
I’m too tired to play
You drive me crazy
You really amaze me
Making excuses for you
But there are no excuses for you
You are not worth the agony
Your attitude is nagging me
You are so high in your own mind
One day you may find
You weren’t good enough to be mine

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Too Deep Too Soon

I think of you all too often now
And I don’t know how
To get rid of these thoughts
I thought I ought not to block you out though
But if I keep this up, I’m in trouble
I’m stuck.
What can I do?
You don’t even know
I’d love you forever
And never let you go
I smile when I think of you thinking of me
I can’t wait to see you
Seconds are eternities
I love to hear you laugh
I’d never make you cry
Unless they are tears of joy
Falling from your eyes
I can’t sleep at night
I’m restless without you
It’s doubtful that I could now live without you
Everyday I find something new about you
To love and learn from
You’re the one who could complete me
I love you.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Trials Due to the Lack of Love

My ability to love could end my life early.
Simply because I’d die surely for the word.
For someone who feels it for me.
Something that has passed me by so far, rules my mind recently.
Why!?
I don’t know.
But the feeling of needing it won’t let me go.
It has taken control. But it doesn’t lift me. It brings me low.
Its absence from my life won’t end tonight.
In due time I may find what I seek.
But the line I would wish to speak
My tongue refrains to leak.
Or utter to anyone I would want to share it with.
I would give it like a gift, only more often though.
It’s my goal, though many days it feels unattainable.
I feel inadequate.
Do I deserve?
Don’t I deserve?
It is something to earn, to learn…I yearn.
I cry for my turn.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Vows to a Queen

A solemn vow to Thee I make eternally this day
My declaration of love to Thee, a Queen
A promise to Thee in unity
For time and all eternity
In thy absence, My Sweet
My heart will long for Thee
My eyes will feast on Thee in Thy Presence
My devotion to Thee is not only in word but deed
Through life and immortality
Thou wilt find, Thou wilt feel, and Thou wilt know
That it is Thee forever
I will cherish in my soul
Together we are Whole
My heart, my love, my life
Is Thine, my girlfriend, my fiance, my wife.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Weary

Severe pain in my head
Spread ear to ear
My ears ring
And bring
Me to stillness
Body freezes
Jeez this can’t be real
I fear pain more than death
Loosing pieces of my soul
Til there ain’t none left
Inept
Void and frustrated
Aggravated
At the way
I stay the same
Knowing this aren’t going my way
If I made my mind up
I wouldn’t be stuck
I’m here
And it’s here
I need to steer clear
Weary.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

What am I now?

It could be another catastrophe
Can you see it’s not all its cracked up to be
I guess I am sorry
It may mean that I am not all I should have been
What could have been?
I compliment your ability
A slight misreading
It’s sudden yet fleeting
A scene I should have seen
But I lost the will to care
I know that it’s not fair
But I am there

What am I now?
Who am I supposed to show?
Can I reclaim myself?

Only to appease your unquenched desire
Yet in me there was no fire
I had been consumed
Doused with boredom
The flame grew dim
The wind blew and the flames went out again
Scared and secluded
Alone and withered
Some I took and was not the giver
I cried reflecting on our time
You and me
We shined

Friday, January 07, 2005

What have I become?

Bound by uncertainty
Unrest? Oh yes. Certainly
I confess my insecurities are useless
Clueless. I am a mess
Feasting at times
But the famines’ almost killing me
Please I need the recipe
Trying to make apostasy
From what everyone is telling me
What I am or seem to be
Justified by none of my actions
I rationalize my newest attraction
Which leaves me sulking
Lonely wishing thoughtfully
I could be whole
Putting back together what is left of me
If only I could rest in peace
I wouldn’t need you
But being me I’m needing you
My breaking heart without a clue
I don’t know what to do
I stand around void of life
A slave to emotion
Imprisoned by my own ideas
I’m left alone
Doomed to silence
But my willingness to be defiant
Is challenged and beaten
I fight against myself
I can’t let me go free
I can’t get off that easily
I cling to my reality
Not changing my identity
I’m searching for stability
A tool of this economy
I stand-alone
Warding off my own desire
What have I become?
A victim and a liar

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Why Does This Keep Happening?

What is going on here?
Nothing is quite clear
All I wanted was you
I’m getting played for the fool
Madness! This is insane
Sadness…the path is always the same
I’m in too deep
I’m losing sleep
Why does this keep happening?
A new thought
But no change
Only you can stop the pain
Caught in the rain
Without you it’s doubtful I can maintain
It’s strange
But no surprise
Can’t you see it in my eyes?
I wish that I could be free from this captivity
It is engulfing me
Why does this keep happening?
I don’t fall often
Most times I slip
But when I fall
It’s hard and quick
Next thing I know
I’ve dug a hole
I can’t get out of it
I’ve lost control
I need to know
Being in limbo is not the way for me to go
It’s so draining and my explaining
Isn’t going to be enough
So why am I complaining?
The problem is me
Or maybe reality
But clearly beckoning
My old familiar cry
Why oh why do I compromise?
Why does this keep happening?

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Willingly

I have been a selfish man
It is always I, Always me
I, I, me, my, mine
But deep down, way down inside
A better part of me resides
It is where I realize,
I would willingly die, willingly live
Willingly give, anything for you.
Where I, would put aside
Anything of mine
When I would want to try
To rush this quickly through
I will gladly wait for you
And it is done willingly
Something compelling me
Inside telling me
It is beyond me, it is willingly
It is purity, deep in certainty
It is certainly purely, completely willingly
Willingly do, willingly move
Willingly true,
Willingly, anything for you.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Wish You Were Here

So, so you think you could tell*
This lonely man in a cell
Sunshine from rain?
Will you look in my eyes
And see why I cry
The long bitter goodbye
So long to the blue sky
Did they get you to trade*
Ambition for tears
True love for a cold fear
All comforts for shame
Could you reclaim
The life that I’ve lost cause of you
Or dreams shattered for fame.

So, so you think you tell*
Follow tears like a trail
Through fire and rain
Can you tell me a tail
Of how this has failed
And love gone stale
Do you think you could tell*
Did the get you to trade*
Your heart for a spade
This game of charades
Your honor for “okays”
Cold assurances paid
I might have obeyed
But all my dreams are gone
Now I turn the page


by Caleb Reeve
Verse one was written by Roger Waters and David Gilmore
This poem follows Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” meter.
*indicates lines that are used in the original song.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Words

Careless
restless
paranoid
non-commital
riddled
wanting
passion
love
agony
loneliness
desperate
undesired
history
maticlous
precise
unquenchable
coward
pioneer
wonderer
forshadowing
laborer
waiting

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Won’t Don’t Can’t

It’s hard knowing you won’t pray for me while I’m gone.
No second thoughts or desires to be in my arms.
No longing for me, no desperation.
I won’t pass through your thoughts,
Or flash in your mind’s eye.
You don’t want me or need me.
It kills me.
You don’t tell your friends you miss me.
You won’t kiss me or sing to me.
I won’t see your smile.
I can’t look in your eyes.
You can’t give me what I want.
I can never ask you to.
Wishing I could and that you would.
I should just stop now and call it good.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

You Said…

You Said…

You said you’d call me
But you didn’t remember me once yesterday
It makes me think and wonder if you even care at all
Please don’t lead me on
Please don’t make me believe, what really isn’t there.
Don’t say what you don’t mean
Just to please me
You are better than that
And so am I
I can’t understand
I don’t know if I want to
Thank you for everything you haven’t done for me recently
I have gone out of my way to be there
You haven’t at all
You leave me
What am I supposed to think?
What am I supposed to do?
I am so lost when it comes to you
I want to call or text
But I won’t
You said you’d call
So I’ll wait to see if you ever come through
What will I say?
She knows how I feel
You know how I feel I told you
And look where it left me!