Wednesday, March 23, 2005

5/28/05 9:39 p/m/ eastern

I know exactly what is about to happen
It hasn’t been verified
But most assuredly
The signs point to no

She’ll say;
Blame it on timing finally.
I’m not ready.
It doesn’t fit into my plan.
I can’t stand the pain.
It’s too soon.
Not yet.
I can’t get serious with anyone.

Meanwhile,
I’m left desolate
With a future
As bright as the inside of a closed coffin
Heartbroken
Feeling worthless and unwanted

They’ll say;
Don’t be so hard on yourself Caleb.
Someone will come along.
Your time will come.

Alone I think;
NO!
Not this time!
But fighting back is useless
And the truth is
I can’t give you everything you want

But I'll tell you,
I understand.
Huh? No…I’m not mad.
I just want you to be happy.
I really do.
Don’t worry about me.
I’ll probably pull through

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

A Coward Dies a Million Deaths

Hide, run away when it gets hard
Give up! But savor the loss
Agonize coward!
How can you love when you take no chances?
Fold. Wait for a better hand.
Don’t play the cards you’re dealt.
How does it feel?
Read how you felt before.
It’s all there, right in front of you.
The path has been worn.
Don’t get desperate though.
Fall back! Retreat!
Call off the attack.
The wish of my heart is you liking me back.
Alas, we’ll have none of that.
To be so fortunate is something I lack.

A Crooked Babbling Brooke

What, I’m not good enough? Do I give up?
Close the door behind me?
Well, the truth hurts. And what is worse, it is blinding.
Constantly reminding me, finding my weaknesses, hiding.
Bringing me grief, stealing my peace, a thief.
She a beauty, and me, the beast.
These kinds of stories, with no happy ending, they adore me, they form me.
No more pretending, lending me fantasies that can never be, only possibilities.
My heart is adrift on random seas.
Play me a heartbreak anthem please.
I can’t breathe, with tendencies to grieve.
She’s out of my league.
It’s cold. I freeze. Oh reality!
My needs never met, bereft, upset.
Yet, I can’t forget, or let go!
Still, I know this is how it ends again.
Lacking, never packing the total package though.
I’ll be good enough for someone, somewhere, someday, maybe.
I hope…

Sunday, March 20, 2005

A Familiar Feeling

This is a familiar feeling…emptiness.
Unsatisfied, sickly, writhing.
My stomach twists, turns, and ties in knots.
Every glance brings more agony.
Mad at myself that this is happening.
The foreshadowing finally fulfilled.
I kept trying for some reason.
It is not my time or season.
In due time…in due time.

The pain over powers my hunger, and I am starving.
There are so many things I desire.
Love, attention, affection, oh to be whole.
I am only half.
None of these things feeding me.
Never satisfied.

I don’t want to know.
I’d rather go on, so forth and so on.
No one will mistreat me.
Defeat me? An impossibility!
It will not happen.
I will not give in easily.
I am free to be as defiant as I’d like.
You cannot hurt me, bruise me or break me.
You will never make me or take me.
So leave me be.
I cannot be satisfied. I realize.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

A Hermit for the Crab

Up to this point I’ve written a sad story.
No love for life, no guts, no glory.
Been mourning since morning,
Clouds forming, rain pouring.
Paint pictures of life storming.
All around me I’m sounding astoundingly troubled.
But no, I know, not faking it though.
The things I have felt and dealt with are real.
I said it because I meant it.
And I meant what I said
I have pled for years,
Fled from fears,
Shed some tears.
And the time I’ve wasted to the moments I have tasted what it could be like.
If life could be right, like I thought it might be.
It’s likely it won’t be anything like I dreamed.
And sometimes it seems that might not be a bad thing.

Friday, March 18, 2005

A Life Like This

It feels dark and man I’m lonely
Wishing I could find someone that wants to hold me
Holding back my emotion
Trying to be controlling
Is anybody out there to console me?
I see the pages turn
But the story is not unfolding
I’m free but held captive
And no one told me
Life would be like this
I’m in love with a fantasy
With no way of managing
To bring it to reality

Thursday, March 17, 2005

A Simple Conversation

1. So I guess this means you re leaving me.
2. Of course it does. Can you blame me?
1. No, I get it, it all makes sense now.
2. It does? Tell me how.
1. Well what else should I expect?
2. Nothing, that is why this is it.
1. I am a total fool.
2. Stop talking, I’m sick of listening to you.
1. Fine, but know that this happened for a reason.
2. Because in our relationship you committed treason.
1. That’s cold, it was nothing like that.
2. What was it then, a trap?
1. No, it was the easiest way out.
2. You wanted out?
1. What…as if you didn’t know?
2. I had no idea, is this a joke?
1. I hope not. But if it was…
2. Don’t finish that thought because…
1. Because you don’t want to hear the truth.
2. The truth? What has gotten into you?
1. Into me? Maybe you should ask yourself that question.
2. Are you trying to get a confession?
1. No, I know all about you.
2. So what does this say about you?
1. Don’t turn this on me.
2. Oh, so now its all on me?
1. You got that right.
2. This has been a crazy night.
1. Yeah, too bad for you I’m still leaving you.
2. No I was leaving you.
1. Oh yea.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

A Summation of Love

I will sum up my search for love as such
I frantically rush
And end up
Hurt so badly I wish I never had tried to love so much
I play mind games
In a mind frame
That invites pain
I play these games on myself
If wasted feelings were money
I couldn’t measure the wealth
I’d be so rich
All of the women would want me
Funny how that works
Actually it is absurd
It’s the truest stupidest thing I have ever heard
Boy I have a way with words
But this is about my record
It’s checkered
Not like a finish line flag winning
But like a driver that was leading
Crashing, blowing the certain lead, grinning
I constantly try and fail
In spectacular fashion
Smashing my dreams at last again
My passion is overwhelming, overbearing
Attraction brings about distraction
I am affectionate
I touch and feel my way around
The words and sounds of love mean nothing to me
Show me, prove it, love me or lose it
Actions speak louder than words
Words are a shallow grave
That in time, days
Does nothing to preserve, only decay
This is my summation of love
Maybe I’d be so lucky
To have some one trust me
Enough to take me away to a place
For forever and a day
And love me
The way I need to be loved
I’d love you truly
Deeply sweetly
Forever

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

A Sweet Dream

Verbalize the thought of my pen
You better start listening in
Simply wishing with in
I could release a gem
And spend my means to an end
Not giving in ‘til I win
Sending sin in a spin
My frustrations begin
Lending my eye to look in
Deep within my soul
My actions taking a toll.
I feel like writing a rhyme
It’s time to go and get mine
It’s like I’m living a lie
Just trying to give you a line
My brain is done fried
And I’m tired of life
Look at my eyes
See the pain that’s inside
I’ve tried and failed
Repeatedly failed
Miserably
Please show me the door
Kick me out
I’m burnt out
I’ve turned out
Time and again
Short of the goals
That I set
And its cold
Send me away
Far away
So I can play
And stay away
From the people I hate
And make way for new games
And new names
A new pain

A We

How could it be that she
Could possibly captivate me
Me the untouchable fiend
The lively being
I’ve seen the day
The way the means
A wishful dream
An unlikely scene
That she wants me
I look and see, a we
My heart is stone
To outside faces
Abandoned places alone
I find my way home

Monday, March 14, 2005

A Year Late

I could have written this a year ago
I didn’t though.
Sometimes, from somewhere,
You appear to me
Where you come from
Where you go
I do not know
It makes me think now
What if we had stuff to talk about?
If maybe somehow you would open up to me
A whole new world to see
How would that be?
I must say that I don’t mind
Looking at you is easy on the eyes
Your eyes your cheeks
Your mouth your teeth
You work you read
You dance you ski
You don’t know it, but you are perfect for me
You are just what I need
Too bad I am not your type
Ah yes Caleb, welcome back to real life

Sunday, March 13, 2005

All in the Same Night

How I miss you
I barely know you
It feels right
I thought I saw it in your eyes
Was it only me that imagined we could be?
I don’t even know you
I can’t get you out of my head
I don’t want to
I remember your smile
Like I have known it all my life
I love how your eyes squint when you smile
I look into your eyes
And I wish it could be just you and me
Wow.
I really like you and I can’t stop now

You made me feel more emotion in one night then the rest of my life combined
When we stared into each other’s eyes,
A comfortable silence
No words need be spoken
A look is all it takes
You have no idea what my mind is like since that first night
I want to cry
So simple our words
How deep our gaze
I could write a thousand pages but my words aren’t enough
I wish I could express my feelings better
But I lack

It was too easy
It is too good to be true
After all, that first night was the only time I’ve talked to you
Now my head spins, my soul aches, my heartbreaks
And all I want to know is if you feel the same way
How did I let this happen?
And now, only heaven knows how this will turn out

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Always

Always.
Typical.
Of course.
I’m such a fool to think
Anything that good, could happen to me
I’m never that lucky
My fortune is never
Don’t expect it to ever be
No. no, never me.
Hope dashed to pieces again
I don’t want to start over
No strength to begin
It hurts too much to love
Especially when it is known
I will always be alone
Always.
Typical.
Of course.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Be a Man

I thought I could do it, but I can’t
I’m not a strong enough man
I have to do something
Both of my options make me lose
One way or the other
I can’t do nothing for sure
My mind needs to cool off
I am a retard.

Bear You Up

I can’t imagine what you feel. All of your fears surround you.
As the world comes crashing down, all around you.
If I could take away the pain, heap it on my shoulders,
If I could switch around the pieces so it changed the picture,
I would bear those burdens for you.
I would take it all.
I would try to fix it and leave you quietly in peace.
You would never have to hurt this way.
You would never have to feel the pain.

But this is out of my hands Love.
Still, I will do anything in my power to heal,
Anything to save, anything to help, I pray
Someone as brave as you, as strong, as good, and true
Your tears do not fall unnoticed.
Your prayers are heard and noted.
You are loved, my Love.
You are surrounded and angels will bear you up.
I am here, your friend through it all.
I will be here, near if you need me.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Be Still!

I can’t say anything because I might loose everything.
I have to do something, one thing.

I can’t believe this!
Something worth waiting for! Living for!
Something to change me, from man to baby.
Get with the program and love this lady.

How can she not see that we could be
The most perfect match. Attached at the hips.
I wish.
Maybe one day, someday, we could be together.
She’s still dealing with heartbreak, pain, and closure.
Keep my composure.
Slow down! Be still! Have patience, complacent.
I can see so clearly like its right in front of me.
But hold on, wait, this is a test.
Be my best.
I can’t rest!
She is on my mind constantly.
She haunts me. Be still!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Brooke 7/23/2003

I don’t know how to handle what I am going through
It is new to me
So confusing
I’m confusing you, I can tell
You’re going through something
I should be there to show you I care
But I’m not there
My situation won’t allow it
My awkwardness is killing this
And I am letting it.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Can You Feel My Pain?

Can you feel my pain?
The heartache, the heartbreak…
Inside my mind
The restless evenings
Incarcerated feelings, the wanting, the pleading…
Inside my mind
Beyond reasonable doubting
In silence shouting,
“Can you feel my pain?”
Sense it, engulfing me
Surrounding, drowning me…
Inside my mind
Never certain, I’m sure of it.
Blind is love
And so hard to find
At least for now…

Monday, March 07, 2005

Closer than I Am

I want to be so badly where you are
But you are too far from me now
I want to somehow
Stand where you stand
My hand in your hand
Your breath on my neck
Your arms around me
Your gaze upon me
But I am here longing
I am here waiting for you tonight
And I will wait forever if I have to
Just so I can have you
All to myself

I want to be so badly where you are
But you are too far from me now
I want to somehow
My heart in your grip
Embracing with locked lips
Your tears on my cheek
So close we can't speak
Only whispers
and you can feel the words
Slip right off my tongue
But I am here longing
I am here waiting for you tonight
And I will wait forever if I have to
Just so I can have you
All to myself

Countdown

Stuck inside
Is there any way out?
I can’t let this slide
I stop to wonder why
I am out of place
Trapped
Weathered by time and sick of it
Something has got to change
I can’t explain

In here
There is nothing I want
Got to get out
Got to get this to stop
In here
Is there no escape?
Caught in red tape
I’m stuck in the wake of monotony

Try to get out
I’ve done that before
But every handle I find is missing a door
Caged up and held down
Oppressed by my living
People offer me rides
But they won’t come get me

I’m just taking up space
Just wasting my time and money
I laugh cause to me this is funny
How can it come down to this?
No more excuses
I don’t want explosions but there are too many lit fuses

Too much pain;
Too many bumps and bruises
I can’t forget.
I only regret
I don’t want a part of what this is the start of

Bound by contract
The deed to my soul
A sinner at heart
A puppet is my role

Time is a heavy weight
It holds me down
Keeps me low

Counting down
the clock is still ticking

The funeral drum is not yet ringing

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Crushed


Having a crush.
Being crushed.
You get one.
Then you get it.
I can’t pursue something that inevitably won’t work.
I can’t get deeper in it.
I can’t deal with the hurt.
I’m not afraid of commitment.
I’m afraid of the separation.
It’s the break up I can’t handle.
If I commit, I stay that way.
I hold on too tightly.
So I can’t be involved.
I get involved though.
I feel too much.
I fear too much.
I think about it.
I write about it.
I don’t talk about it really.
I wouldn’t know what to say.
I’m scared and I hate it.
I know it won’t work.
I can’t let go.
Even though I should.
I don’t want to.
I want it to work.
Relationships aren’t found.
They are made.
I don’t know that recipe.
I have to go.
My laundry is done.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Desert Lands

This truely is a desert.
Abandoned. Deserted. Desolate. Barren.
Its not easy to live, to exist.
Yet despite knowing this,
I journey in. I do not resist.
With cantene depleating
And no thoughts of retreating,
only humbling feelings.
I'm not the explorer I dreamed I'd be.
A fleeting dream of succeeding immediately.
Its hard. Its hard to Be.
The oasis I need is avoiding me.
In some time I'll find one.
Until then I will ration my supplies
and try to last through the desert skies.
The seemingly endless sand.
Cold bitter nights.
Scorching sun and relentless heat.
Though I'm facing defeat,
I cannot retreat,
choosing instead to rise to my feet.
That one day release from this tedious feat
will be my prize.

Done

I’m going to get hurt
I know it is true
I can feel it
I’m in too deep
I care too much
I can see it
From the beginning
The moment I saw you
I was hopeless.
Done.
It was over
Going against everything
I’d change anything
Give up everything for you
I don’t know why
But I would
I wouldn’t think twice
It’s done
I’m hopeless around you
Totally vulnerable
It hurts to care so much so soon.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Down By the Shore


We made our way in the darkness,
Down the path and steps
Towards a sandy beach below that awaited us, we crept
The fire burning in our hearts was enough to keep us warm
Yet we were met, a fire left burning, flickering on the shore
As strong waves crashed and stars filled the sky
We stood on the sand in the moonless night
We walked towards the sound of breaking swells
Breathing in the ocean's air, love had cast its spell
Hand in hand; then eye-to-eye
Then lip to lip and finally a kiss
Cherishing the moments, I held you by the fire's side
Holding to each other closely, shooting stars sparked the sky
Clinging to the seconds, pleading as they passed
To slow them down forever, so this night might last

Do You Dare To?

Do you dare to?
Could you bear to?
When do I get my revenge?
I can hear you whispering
You are not a mystery
Now it’s my turn to offend
When I hear you care for me
I go run and hide away
Right away
I cannot stay
I shouldn’t even say
What I’m about to say
You brought me to my knees
And made me beg
Toyed with my head
When you said you loved me
Lies, deceit, you cheated me
Out of time
You wasted mine
Spending it on you
I can never have it back
Why did you do that?
I don’t want to see you
Looking at you makes my stomach weak
I shouldn’t speak
But it’s a little late for that
I don’t ever want you back

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Dreams

As far as dreams go, mine are impossible.
Reach for the sky, another obstacle.
Hands held high, hope is there beside.
But my minds eye sees so much lost time.

I dream for things.
Dreams I could only dream about happening.
Reveling in sleep.
This is my time, my thirsty drink.

I have dreams, but only on good days.
Good times, reflecting in pools of rhymes.
Heart beats, a rapid pace.
A familiar face, a distant place.

Dreaming. I see you.
No dream could be you.
Dreaming to see you.
I’m awake...I must wait to see you.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Dying

You think I slept last night?
I was too busy fighting tears back
Racking my brain, what moves to make?
How do I deal with this?
Chaos. I’m sorry this isn’t fair
But I don’t think you know
I don’t think you care
If you knew what I was thinking
If you could read my mind
You’d think I was crazy
But you don’t have the time
But instead I lie awake and contemplate
Debate and state out loud the decisions that I make
No one around to hear my hearts complaint
This is probably not a big deal for you
It has tossed me to and fro
If I could just let it go
I could be free
That is what I want to be
My mind is a jail
I have no key
Someone didn’t give it back to me
Escape is my hope
Presently I am in prison
No parole. Without a sentence
Time does not bring comfort
It allows poisoned thoughts
This has all been self-inflicted
It is with you that I’m infected
This is killing me

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Each New Day

Sometimes I find time winds so slow
Day after day I take blow after blow
And I know as I go down this long road
I may one day comprehend the end though
That gives hope and heart to start each new day
And live to give sight and sleep each night away
Knowing the sun will rise and bring glory in its ray
You can say each day my life will change in a new way